[15]

(The Mabbot street entrance of nighttown, before which stretches
an uncobbled tramsiding set with skeleton tracks, red and green
will-o'-the-wisps and danger signals. Rows of grimy houses with
gaping doors. Rare lamps with faint rainbow fins. Round
Rabaiotti's halted ice gondola stunted men and women squabble.
They grab wafers between which are wedged lumps of coral and
copper snow. Sucking, they scatter slowly, children. The swancomb
of the gondola, highreared, forges on through the murk, white and
blue under a lighthouse. Whistles call and answer.)



THE CALL

Wait, my love, and I'll be with you.

THE ANSWER

Round behind the stable.

THE CHILDREN

Kithogue! Salute!

THE IDIOT

(lifts a palsied left arm and gurgles) Ghahute!

THE CHILDREN

Where's the great light?

THE IDIOT

(gobbling) Ghaghahest.


CISSY CAFFREY

THE VIRAGO

Signs on you, hairy arse. More power the Cavan girl.

CISSY CAFFREY

More luck to me. Cavan, Cootehill and Belturbet. (she sings)


PRIVATE COMPTON

(jerks his finger) Way for the parson.

PRIVATE CARR

(turns and calls) What ho, parson!

CISSY CAFFREY

(her voice soaring higher)

STEPHEN

Vidi aquam egredientem de templo a latere dextro. Alleluia.

THE BAWD

(her voice whispering huskily) Sst! Come here till I tell you. Maidenhead
inside. Sst!

STEPHEN

(altius aliquantulum) Et omnes ad quos pervenit aqua ista.

THE BAWD

(spits in their trail her jet of venom) Trinity medicals. Fallopian tube. All
prick and no pence.

EDY BOARDMAN

(bickering) And says the one: I seen you up Faithful place with your
squarepusher, the greaser off the railway, in his cometobed hat. Did you,
says I. That's not for you to say, says I. You never seen me in the mantrap
with a married highlander, says I. The likes of her! Stag that one is!
Stubborn as a mule! And her walking with two fellows the one time,
Kilbride, the enginedriver, and lancecorporal Oliphant.


STEPHEN

(triumphaliter) Salvi facti sunt.

LYNCH

So that?

STEPHEN

(looks behind) So that gesture, not music not odour, would be a universal
language, the gift of tongues rendering visible not the lay sense but the first
entelechy, the structural rhythm.

LYNCH

Pornosophical philotheology. Metaphysics in Mecklenburgh street!

STEPHEN

We have shrewridden Shakespeare and henpecked Socrates. Even the
allwisest Stagyrite was bitted, bridled and mounted by a light of love.

LYNCH

Ba!

STEPHEN

Anyway, who wants two gestures to illustrate a loaf and a jug? This
movement illustrates the loaf and jug of bread or wine in Omar. Hold my
stick.

LYNCH

Damn your yellow stick. Where are we going?

STEPHEN

Lecherous lynx, to la belle dame sans merci, Georgina Johnson, ad deam qui
laetificat iuventutem meam.


LYNCH

Which is the jug of bread? It skills not. That or the customhouse. Illustrate
thou. Here take your crutch and walk.

BLOOM

Fish and taters. N. g. Ah!


BLOOM

Stitch in my side. Why did I run?


BLOOM

What is that? A flasher? Searchlight.

BLOOM

Aurora borealis or a steel foundry? Ah, the brigade, of course. South side
anyhow. Big blaze. Might be his house. Beggar's bush. We're safe. (he
hums cheerfully
) London's burning, London's burning! On fire, on fire!
(he catches sight of the navvy lurching through the crowd at the farther
side of Talbot street
) I'll miss him. Run. Quick. Better cross here.

THE URCHINS

Mind out, mister!

THE BELLS

Haltyaltyaltyall.

BLOOM

(halts erect, stung by a spasm) Ow!

THE GONG

Bang Bang Bla Bak Blud Bugg Bloo.

THE MOTORMAN

Hey, shitbreeches, are you doing the hat trick?

(Bloom trickleaps to the curbstone and halts again. He brushes a
mudflake from his cheek with a parcelled hand.)


BLOOM

No thoroughfare. Close shave that but cured the stitch. Must take up
Sandow's exercises again. On the hands down. Insure against street
accident too. The Providential. (he feels his trouser pocket) Poor
mamma's panacea. Heel easily catch in track or bootlace in a cog. Day the
wheel of the black Maria peeled off my shoe at Leonard's corner. Third
time is the charm. Shoe trick. Insolent driver. I ought to report him.
Tension makes them nervous. Might be the fellow balked me this morning
with that horsey woman. Same style of beauty. Quick of him all the same.
The stiff walk. True word spoken in jest. That awful cramp in Lad lane.
Something poisonous I ate. Emblem of luck. Why? Probably lost cattle.
Mark of the beast. (he closes his eyes an instant) Bit light in the head.
Monthly or effect of the other. Brainfogfag. That tired feeling. Too much
for me now. Ow!

BLOOM

Buenas noches, senorita Blanca. Que calle es esta?

THE FIGURE

(impassive, raises a signal arm) Password. Sraid Mabbot.

BLOOM

Haha. Merci. Esperanto. Slan leath. (he mutters) Gaelic league spy, sent
by that fireeater.

BLOOM

I beg.

(He leaps right, sackragman right.)

BLOOM

I beg.

 


BLOOM

Keep to the right, right, right. If there is a signpost planted by the Touring
Club at Stepaside who procured that public boon? I who lost my way and
contributed to the columns of the Irish Cyclist the letter headed In darkest
Stepaside
. Keep, keep, keep to the right. Rags and bones at midnight. A
fence more likely. First place murderer makes for. Wash off his sins of the
world.

BLOOM

O

BLOOM

Beware of pickpockets. Old thieves' dodge. Collide. Then snatch your
purse.

RUDOLPH

Second halfcrown waste money today. I told you not go with drunken goy
ever. So you catch no money.

BLOOM

(hides the crubeen and trotter behind his back and, crestfallen, feels warm
and cold feetmeat) Ja, ich weiss, papachi.

RUDOLPH

What you making down this place? Have you no soul? (with feeble vulture
talons he feels the silent face of Bloom
) Are you not my son Leopold, the
grandson of Leopold? Are you not my dear son Leopold who left the house
of his father and left the god of his fathers Abraham and Jacob?


BLOOM

(with precaution) I suppose so, father. Mosenthal. All that's left of him.

RUDOLPH

(severely) One night they bring you home drunk as dog after spend your
good money. What you call them running chaps?

BLOOM

(in youth's smart blue Oxford suit with white vestslips, narrowshouldered,
in brown Alpine hat, wearing gent's sterling silver Waterbury keyless watch
and double curb Albert with seal attached, one side of him coated with
stiffening mud
) Harriers, father. Only that once.

RUDOLPH

Once! Mud head to foot. Cut your hand open. Lockjaw. They make you
kaputt, Leopoldleben. You watch them chaps.

BLOOM

(weakly) They challenged me to a sprint. It was muddy. I slipped.

RUDOLPH

(with contempt) Goim nachez! Nice spectacles for your poor mother!

BLOOM

Mamma!

ELLEN BLOOM

(in pantomime dame's stringed mobcap, widow Twankey's crinoline and
bustle, blouse with muttonleg sleeves buttoned behind, grey mittens and
cameo brooch, her plaited hair in a crispine net, appears over the staircase
banisters, a slanted candlestick in her hand, and cries out in shrill alarm)
O blessed Redeemer, what have they done to him! My smelling salts! (She
hauls up a reef of skirt and ransacks the pouch of her striped blay petticoat
A phial, an Agnus Dei, a shrivelled potato and a celluloid doll fall out
)
Sacred Heart of Mary, where were you at all at all?

A VOICE

(sharply) Poldy!


BLOOM

Who? (he ducks and wards off a blow clumsily) At your service.

BLOOM

Molly!

MARION

Welly? Mrs Marion from this out, my dear man, when you speak to me.
(satirically) Has poor little hubby cold feet waiting so long?

BLOOM

(shifts from foot to foot) No, no. Not the least little bit.

MARION

Nebrakada! Femininum!

BLOOM

I can give you ... I mean as your business menagerer .. Mrs Marion ..... if
you ....

MARION

So you notice some change? (her hands passing slowly over her trinketed
stomacher, a slow friendly mockery in her eyes
) O Poldy, Poldy, you are a
poor old stick in the mud! Go and see life. See the wide world.


BLOOM

I was just going back for that lotion whitewax, orangeflower water. Shop
closes early on Thursday. But the first thing in the morning. (he pats divers
pockets
) This moving kidney. Ah!

THE SOAP

SWENY

Three and a penny, please.

BLOOM

Yes. For my wife. Mrs Marion. Special recipe.

MARION

(softly) Poldy!

BLOOM

Yes, ma'am?

MARION

Ti trema un poco il cuore?

BLOOM

Are you sure about that Voglio? I mean the pronunciati ....

THE BAWD

Ten shillings a maidenhead. Fresh thing was never touched. Fifteen. There's
no-one in it only her old father that's dead drunk.


BRIDIE

Hatch street. Any good in your mind?

THE BAWD

(her wolfeyes shining) He's getting his pleasure. You won't get a virgin in
the flash houses. Ten shillings. Don't be all night before the polis in plain
clothes sees us. Sixtyseven is a bitch.

GERTY

With all my worldly goods I thee and thou. (she murmurs) You did that. I
hate you.

BLOOM

l? When? You're dreaming. I never saw you.

THE BAWD

Leave the gentleman alone, you cheat. Writing the gentleman false letters.
Streetwalking and soliciting. Better for your mother take the strap to you at
the bedpost, hussy like you.

GERTY

(to Bloom) When you saw all the secrets of my bottom drawer. (she paws
his sleeve, slobbering
) Dirty married man! I love you for doing that to me.

MRS BREEN

Mr ...

BLOOM

(coughs gravely) Madam, when we last had this pleasure by letter dated
the sixteenth instant ....


MRS BREEN

Mr Bloom! You down here in the haunts of sin! I caught you nicely!
Scamp!

BLOOM

(hurriedly) Not so loud my name. Whatever do you think of me? Don't
give me away. Walls have ears. How do you do? It's ages since I. You're
looking splendid. Absolutely it. Seasonable weather we are having this time
of year. Black refracts heat. Short cut home here. Interesting quarter.
Rescue of fallen women. Magdalen asylum. I am the secretary .....

MRS BREEN

(holds up a finger) Now, don't tell a big fib! I know somebody won't like
that. O just wait till I see Molly! (slily) Account for yourself this very
sminute or woe betide you!

BLOOM

(looks behind) She often said she'd like to visit. Slumming. The exotic, you
see. Negro servants in livery too if she had money. Othello black brute.
Eugene Stratton. Even the bones and cornerman at the Livermore christies.
Bohee brothers. Sweep for that matter.

TOM AND SAM

BLOOM

(with a sour tenderish smile) A little frivol, shall we, if you are so inclined?
Would you like me perhaps to embrace you just for a fraction of a second?


MRS BREEN

(screams gaily) O, you ruck! You ought to see yourself!

BLOOM

For old sake' sake. I only meant a square party, a mixed marriage mingling
of our different little conjugials. You know I had a soft corner for you.
(gloomily) 'Twas I sent you that valentine of the dear gazelle.

MRS BREEN

Glory Alice, you do look a holy show! Killing simply. (she puts out her
hand inquisitively
) What are you hiding behind your back? Tell us, there's
a dear.

BLOOM

(seizes her wrist with his free hand) Josie Powell that was, prettiest deb in
Dublin. How time flies by! Do you remember, harking back in a
retrospective arrangement, Old Christmas night, Georgina Simpson's
housewarming while they were playing the Irving Bishop game, finding the
pin blindfold and thoughtreading? Subject, what is in this snuffbox?

MRS BREEN

You were the lion of the night with your seriocomic recitation and you
looked the part. You were always a favourite with the ladies.

BLOOM

(squire of dames, in dinner jacket with wateredsilk facings, blue masonic
badge in his buttonhole, black bow and mother-of-pearl studs, a prismatic
champagne glass tilted in his hand
) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
Ireland, home and beauty.

MRS BREEN

The dear dead days beyond recall. Love's old sweet song.

BLOOM

(meaningfully dropping his voice) I confess I'm teapot with curiosity to
find out whether some person's something is a little teapot at present.

MRS BREEN

(gushingly) Tremendously teapot! London's teapot and I'm simply teapot
all over me! (she rubs sides with him) After the parlour mystery games and
the crackers from the tree we sat on the staircase ottoman. Under the
mistletoe. Two is company.


BLOOM

(wearing a purple Napoleon hat with an amber halfmoon, his fingers and
thumb passing slowly down to her soft moist meaty palm which she
surrenders gently
) The witching hour of night. I took the splinter out of
this hand, carefully, slowly. (tenderly, as he slips on her finger a ruby ring)
La ci darem la mano.

MRS BREEN

(in a onepiece evening frock executed in moonlight blue, a tinsel sylph's
diadem on her brow with her dancecard fallen beside her moonblue satin
slipper, curves her palm softly, breathing quickly
) Voglio e non ..... You're
hot! You're scalding! The left hand nearest the heart.

BLOOM

When you made your present choice they said it was beauty and the beast. I
can never forgive you for that. (his clenched fist at his brow) Think what it
means. All you meant to me then. (hoarsely) Woman, it's breaking me!

ALF BERGAN

(points jeering at the sandwichboards) U. p: up.

MRS BREEN

(to Bloom) High jinks below stairs. (she gives him the glad eye) Why
didn't you kiss the spot to make it well? You wanted to.

BLOOM

(shocked) Molly's best friend! Could you?

MRS BREEN

(her pulpy tongue between her lips, offers a pigeon kiss) Hnhn. The
answer is a lemon. Have you a little present for me there?

BLOOM

(offhandedly) Kosher. A snack for supper. The home without potted meat
is incomplete. I was at Leah, Mrs Bandmann Palmer. Trenchant exponent
of Shakespeare. Unfortunately threw away the programme. Rattling good
place round there for pigs' feet. Feel.


RICHIE

Best value in Dub.

PAT

(advances with a tilted dish of spillspilling gravy) Steak and kidney. Bottle
of lager. Hee hee hee. Wait till I wait.

RICHIE

Goodgod. Inev erate inall ....

RICHIE

(with a cry of pain, his hand to his back) Ah! Bright's! Lights!

BLOOM

(points to the navvy) A spy. Don't attract attention. I hate stupid crowds. I
am not on pleasure bent. I am in a grave predicament.

MRS BREEN

Humbugging and deluthering as per usual with your cock and bull story.

BLOOM

I want to tell you a little secret about how I came to be here. But you must
never tell. Not even Molly. I have a most particular reason.

MRS BREEN

(all agog) O, not for worlds.

BLOOM

Let's walk on. Shall us?


MRS BREEN

Let's.

THE BAWD

Jewman's melt!

BLOOM

(in an oatmeal sporting suit, a sprig of woodbine in the lapel, tony buff
shirt, shepherd's plaid Saint Andrew's cross scarftie, white spats, fawn
dustcoat on his arm, tawny red brogues, fieldglasses in bandolier and a grey
billycock hat
) Do you remember a long long time, years and years ago, just
after Milly, Marionette we called her, was weaned when we all went
together to Fairyhouse races, was it?

MRS BREEN

(in smart Saxe tailormade, white velours hat and spider veil) Leopards-
town.

BLOOM

I mean, Leopardstown. And Molly won seven shillings on a three year old
named Nevertell and coming home along by Foxrock in that old fiveseater
shanderadan of a waggonette you were in your heyday then and you had
on that new hat of white velours with a surround of molefur that Mrs
Hayes advised you to buy because it was marked down to nineteen and
eleven, a bit of wire and an old rag of velveteen, and I'll lay you what you
like she did it on purpose ....

MRS BREEN

She did, of course, the cat! Don't tell me! Nice adviser!

BLOOM

Because it didn't suit you one quarter as well as the other ducky little
tammy toque with the bird of paradise wing in it that I admired on you and
you honestly looked just too fetching in it though it was a pity to kill it, you
cruel naughty creature, little mite of a thing with a heart the size of a
fullstop.

MRS BREEN

(squeezes his arm, simpers) Naughty cruel I was!


BLOOM

(low, secretly, ever more rapidly) And Molly was eating a sandwich of
spiced beef out of Mrs Joe Gallaher's lunch basket. Frankly, though she
had her advisers or admirers, I never cared much for her style. She was ....

MRS BREEN

Too ....

BLOOM

Yes. And Molly was laughing because Rogers and Maggot O'Reilly were
mimicking a cock as we passed a farmhouse and Marcus Tertius Moses, the
tea merchant, drove past us in a gig with his daughter, Dancer Moses was
her name, and the poodle in her lap bridled up and you asked me if I ever
heard or read or knew or came across ....

MRS BREEN

(eagerly) Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

THE GAFFER

(crouches, his voice twisted in his snout) And when Cairns came down
from the scaffolding in Beaver street what was he after doing it into only
into the bucket of porter that was there waiting on the shavings for
Derwan's plasterers.

THE LOITERERS

(guffaw with cleft palates) O jays!

BLOOM

Coincidence too. They think it funny. Anything but that. Broad daylight.
Trying to walk. Lucky no woman.


THE LOITERERS

Jays, that's a good one. Glauber salts. O jays, into the men's porter.

THE WHORES

THE NAVVY

(belching) Where's the bloody house?

THE SHEBEENKEEPER

Purdon street. Shilling a bottle of stout. Respectable woman.

THE NAVVY

(gripping the two redcoats, staggers forward with them) Come on, you
British army!

PRIVATE CARR

(behind his back) He aint half balmy.

PRIVATE COMPTON

(laughs) What ho!

PRIVATE CARR

(to the navvy) Portobello barracks canteen. You ask for Carr. Just Carr.

THE NAVVY

(shouts)


PRIVATE COMPTON

Say! What price the sergeantmajor?

PRIVATE CARR

Bennett? He's my pal. I love old Bennett.

THE NAVVY

(shouts)

BLOOM

Wildgoose chase this. Disorderly houses. Lord knows where they are gone.
Drunks cover distance double quick. Nice mixup. Scene at Westland row.
Then jump in first class with third ticket. Then too far. Train with engine
behind. Might have taken me to Malahide or a siding for the night or
collision. Second drink does it. Once is a dose. What am I following him
for? Still, he's the best of that lot. If I hadn't heard about Mrs Beaufoy
Purefoy I wouldn't have gone and wouldn't have met. Kismet. He'll lose
that cash. Relieving office here. Good biz for cheapjacks, organs. What do
ye lack? Soon got, soon gone. Might have lost my life too with that man-
gongwheeltracktrolleyglarejuggernaut only for presence of mind. Can't
always save you, though. If I had passed Truelock's window that day two
minutes later would have been shot. Absence of body. Still if bullet only
went through my coat get damages for shock, five hundred pounds. What
was he? Kildare street club toff. God help his gamekeeper.

Odd! Molly drawing on the frosted carriagepane at
Kingstown. What's that like? (Gaudy dollwomen loll in the lighted
doorways, in window embrasures, smoking birdseye cigarettes. The odour
of the sicksweet weed floats towards him in slow round ovalling wreaths.)

THE WREATHS

Sweet are the sweets. Sweets of sin.

BLOOM

My spine's a bit limp. Go or turn? And this food? Eat it and get all
pigsticky. Absurd I am. Waste of money. One and eightpence too much.
(The retriever drives a cold snivelling muzzle against his hand, wagging his
tail.
) Strange how they take to me. Even that brute today. Better speak to  



him first. Like women they like rencontres. Stinks like a polecat. Chacun
son goût
. He might be mad. Dogdays. Uncertain in his movements. Good
fellow! Fido! Good fellow! Garryowen! (The wolfdog sprawls on his back,
wriggling obscenely with begging paws, his long black tongue lolling out.)
Influence of his surroundings. Give and have done with it. Provided
nobody. (Calling encouraging words he shambles back with a furtive
poacher's tread, dogged by the setter into a dark stalestunk corner. He
unrolls one parcel and goes to dump the crubeen softly but holds back and
feels the trotter.)
Sizeable for threepence. But then I have it in my left hand.
Calls for more effort. Why? Smaller from want of use. O, let it slide. Two
and six.

THE WATCH

Bloom. Of Bloom. For Bloom. Bloom.

FIRST WATCH

Caught in the act. Commit no nuisance.

BLOOM

(stammers) I am doing good to others.

THE GULLS

Kaw kave kankury kake.

BLOOM

The friend of man. Trained by kindness.

BOB DORAN

Towser. Give us the paw. Give the paw.


SECOND WATCH

Prevention of cruelty to animals.

BLOOM

(enthusiastically) A noble work! I scolded that tramdriver on Harold's
cross bridge for illusing the poor horse with his harness scab. Bad French I
got for my pains. Of course it was frosty and the last tram. All tales of
circus life are highly demoralising.

SIGNOR MAFFEI

(with a sinister smile) Ladies and gentlemen, my educated greyhound. It
was I broke in the bucking broncho Ajax with my patent spiked saddle for
carnivores. Lash under the belly with a knotted thong. Block tackle and a
strangling pulley will bring your lion to heel, no matter how fractious, even
Leo ferox there, the Libyan maneater. A redhot crowbar and some liniment
rubbing on the burning part produced Fritz of Amsterdam, the thinking
hyena. (he glares) I possess the Indian sign. The glint of my eye does it
with these breastsparklers. (with a bewitching smile) I now introduce
Mademoiselle Ruby, the pride of the ring.

FIRST WATCH

Come. Name and address.

BLOOM

I have forgotten for the moment. Ah, yes! (he takes off his high grade hat,
saluting
) Dr Bloom, Leopold, dental surgeon. You have heard of von Blum
Pasha. Umpteen millions. Donnerwetter! Owns half Austria. Egypt.
Cousin.

FIRST WATCH

Proof.

BLOOM

(in red fez, cadi's dress coat with broad green sash, wearing a false badge
of the Legion of Honour, picks up the card hastily and offers it
) Allow me.
My club is the Junior Army and Navy. Solicitors: Messrs John Henry
Menton, 27 Bachelor's Walk.



FIRST WATCH

(reads) Henry Flower. No fixed abode. Unlawfully watching and
besetting.

SECOND WATCH

An alibi. You are cautioned.

BLOOM

(produces from his heartpocket a crumpled yellow flower) This is the
flower in question. It was given me by a man I don't know his name.
(plausibly) You know that old joke, rose of Castile. Bloom. The change of
name. Virag. (he murmurs privately and confidentially) We are engaged
you see, sergeant. Lady in the case. Love entanglement. (he shoulders the
second watch gently
) Dash it all. It's a way we gallants have in the navy.
Uniform that does it. (he turns gravely to the first watch) Still, of course,
you do get your Waterloo sometimes. Drop in some evening and have a
glass of old Burgundy. (to the second watch gaily) I'll introduce you,
inspector. She's game. Do it in the shake of a lamb's tail.

THE DARK MERCURY

The Castle is looking for him. He was drummed out of the army.

MARTHA

(thickveiled, a crimson halter round her neck, a copy of the Irish Times in
her hand, in tone of reproach, pointing
) Henry! Leopold! Lionel, thou lost
one! Clear my name.

FIRST WATCH

(sternly) Come to the station.

BLOOM

(scared, hats himself, steps back, then, plucking at his heart and lifting his
right forearm on the square, he gives the sign and dueguard of fellowcraft)
No, no, worshipful master, light of love. Mistaken identity. The Lyons mail.
Lesurques and Dubosc. You remember the Childs fratricide case. We
medical men. By striking him dead with a hatchet. I am wrongfully
accused. Better one guilty escape than ninetynine wrongfully condemned.

MARTHA

(sobbing behind her veil) Breach of promise. My real name is Peggy
Griffin. He wrote to me that he was miserable. I'll tell my brother, the
Bective rugger fullback, on you, heartless flirt.


BLOOM

(behind his hand) She's drunk. The woman is inebriated. (he murmurs
vaguely the pass of Ephraim
) Shitbroleeth.

SECOND WATCH

(tears in his eyes, to Bloom) You ought to be thoroughly well ashamed of
yourself.

BLOOM

Gentlemen of the jury, let me explain. A pure mare's nest. I am a man
misunderstood. I am being made a scapegoat of. I am a respectable married
man, without a stain on my character. I live in Eccles street. My wife, I am
the daughter of a most distinguished commander, a gallant upstanding
gentleman, what do you call him, Majorgeneral Brian Tweedy, one of
Britain's fighting men who helped to win our battles. Got his majority for
the heroic defence of Rorke's Drift.

FIRST WATCH

Regiment.

BLOOM

(turns to the gallery) The royal Dublins, boys, the salt of the earth, known
the world over. I think I see some old comrades in arms up there among
you. The R. D. F., with our own Metropolitan police, guardians of our
homes, the pluckiest lads and the finest body of men, as physique, in the
service of our sovereign.

A VOICE

Turncoat! Up the Boers! Who booed Joe Chamberlain?

BLOOM

(his hand on the shoulder of the first watch) My old dad too was a J. P.
I'm as staunch a Britisher as you are, sir. I fought with the colours for king
and country in the absentminded war under general Gough in the park and
was disabled at Spion Kop and Bloemfontein, was mentioned in dispatches.
I did all a white man could. (with quiet feeling) Jim Bludso. Hold her
nozzle again the bank.

FIRST WATCH

Profession or trade.


BLOOM

Well, I follow a literary occupation, author-journalist. In fact we are just
bringing out a collection of prize stories of which I am the inventor,
something that is an entirely new departure. I am connected with the British
and Irish press. If you ring up ....

MYLES CRAWFORD

(his cock's wattles wagging) Hello, seventyseven eightfour. Hello.
Freeman's Urinal and Weekly Arsewipe here. Paralyse Europe. You which?
Bluebags? Who writes? Is it Bloom?

BEAUFOY

(drawls) No, you aren't. Not by a long shot if I know it. I don't see it
that's all. No born gentleman, no-one with the most rudimentary
promptings of a gentleman would stoop to such particularly loathsome
conduct. One of those, my lord. A plagiarist. A soapy sneak masquerading
as a litterateur. It's perfectly obvious that with the most inherent baseness
he has cribbed some of my bestselling copy, really gorgeous stuff, a perfect
gem, the love passages in which are beneath suspicion. The Beaufoy books
of love and great possessions, with which your lordship is doubtless
familiar, are a household word throughout the kingdom.

BLOOM

(murmurs with hangdog meekness glum) That bit about the laughing
witch hand in hand I take exception to, if I may ...

BEAUFOY

(his lip upcurled, smiles superciliously on the court) You funny ass, you!
You're too beastly awfully weird for words! I don't think you need over
excessively disincommodate yourself in that regard. My literary agent Mr
J. B. Pinker is in attendance. I presume, my lord, we shall receive the usual
witnesses' fees, shan't we? We are considerably out of pocket over this bally
pressman johnny, this jackdaw of Rheims, who has not even been to a
university.


BLOOM

(indistinctly) University of life. Bad art.

BEAUFOY

(shouts) It's a damnably foul lie, showing the moral rottenness of the man!
(he extends his portfolio) We have here damning evidence, the corpus
delicti
, my lord, a specimen of my maturer work disfigured by the hallmark
of the beast.

A VOICE FROM THE GALLERY

BLOOM

(bravely) Overdrawn.

BEAUFOY

You low cad! You ought to be ducked in the horsepond, you rotter! (to the
court
) Why, look at the man's private life! Leading a quadruple existence!
Street angel and house devil. Not fit to be mentioned in mixed society! The
archconspirator of the age!

BLOOM

(to the court) And he, a bachelor, how...

FIRST WATCH

The King versus Bloom. Call the woman Driscoll.

THE CRIER

Mary Driscoll, scullerymaid!

SECOND WATCH

Another! Are you of the unfortunate class?

MARY DRISCOLL

(indignantly) I'm not a bad one. I bear a respectable character and was
four months in my last place. I was in a situation, six pounds a year and my
chances with Fridays out and I had to leave owing to his carryings on.


FIRST WATCH

What do you tax him with?

MARY DRISCOLL

He made a certain suggestion but I thought more of myself as poor as I am.

BLOOM

(in housejacket of ripplecloth, flannel trousers, heelless slippers, unshaven,
his hair rumpled: softly
) I treated you white. I gave you mementos, smart
emerald garters far above your station. Incautiously I took your part when
you were accused of pilfering. There's a medium in all things. Play cricket.

MARY DRISCOLL

(excitedly) As God is looking down on me this night if ever I laid a hand to
them oylsters!

FIRST WATCH

The offence complained of? Did something happen?

MARY DRISCOLL

He surprised me in the rere of the premises, Your honour, when the missus
was out shopping one morning with a request for a safety pin. He held me
and I was discoloured in four places as a result. And he interfered twict
with my clothing.

BLOOM

She counterassaulted.

MARY DRISCOLL

(scornfully) I had more respect for the scouringbrush, so I had. I
remonstrated with him, Your lord, and he remarked: keep it quiet.

(General laughter.)

GEORGE FOTTRELL

(clerk of the crown and peace, resonantly) Order in court! The accused
will now make a bogus statement.


LONGHAND AND SHORTHAND

(without looking up from their notebooks) Loosen his boots.

PROFESSOR MACHUGH

(from the presstable, coughs and calls) Cough it up, man. Get it out in bits.

J. J. O'MOLLOY

(in barrister's grey wig and stuffgown, speaking with a voice of pained
protest
) This is no place for indecent levity at the expense of an erring
mortal disguised in liquor. We are not in a beargarden nor at an Oxford rag
nor is this a travesty of justice. My client is an infant, a poor foreign
immigrant who started scratch as a stowaway and is now trying to turn an
honest penny. The trumped up misdemeanour was due to a momentary



aberration of heredity, brought on by hallucination, such familiarities as the
alleged guilty occurrence being quite permitted in my client's native place,
the land of the Pharaoh. Prima facie, I put it to you that there was no
attempt at carnally knowing. Intimacy did not occur and the offence
complained of by Driscoll, that her virtue was solicited, was not repeated. I
would deal in especial with atavism. There have been cases of shipwreck
and somnambulism in my client's family. If the accused could speak he
could a tale unfold - one of the strangest that have ever been narrated
between the covers of a book. He himself, my lord, is a physical wreck from
cobbler's weak chest. His submission is that he is of Mongolian extraction
and irresponsible for his actions. Not all there, in fact.

BLOOM

(Barefoot, pigeonbreasted, in lascar's vest and trousers, apologetic toes
turned in, opens his tiny mole's eyes and looks about him dazedly, passing a
slow hand across his forehead. Then he hitches his belt sailor fashion and
with a shrug of oriental obeisance salutes the court, pointing one thumb
heavenward.
) Him makee velly muchee fine night. (he begins to lilt simply)

J. J. O'MOLLOY

(hotly to the populace) This is a lonehand fight. By Hades, I will not have
any client of mine gagged and badgered in this fashion by a pack of curs
and laughing hyenas. The Mosaic code has superseded the law of the
jungle. I say it and I say it emphatically, without wishing for one moment to
defeat the ends of justice, accused was not accessory before the act and
prosecutrix has not been tampered with. The young person was treated by
defendant as if she were his very own daughter. (Bloom takes J. J.
O'Molloy's hand and raises it to his lips
) I shall call rebutting evidence to
prove up to the hilt that the hidden hand is again at its old game. When in
doubt persecute Bloom. My client, an innately bashful man, would be the
last man in the world to do anything ungentlemanly which injured modesty
could object to or cast a stone at a girl who took the wrong turning when
some dastard, responsible for her condition, had worked his own sweet will
on her. He wants to go straight. I regard him as the whitest man I know.
He is down on his luck at present owing to the mortgaging of his extensive
property at Agendath Netaim in faraway Asia Minor, slides of which will
now be shown. (to Bloom) I suggest that you will do the handsome thing.



BLOOM

A penny in the pound.

DLUGACZ

(hoarsely) Bleibtreustrasse, Berlin, W. 13.

J.J.O'MOLLOY

(almost voicelessly) Excuse me. I am suffering from a severe chill, have
recently come from a sickbed. A few wellchosen words. (He assumes the
avine head, foxy moustache and proboscidal eloquence of Seymour
Bushe.
) When the angel's book comes to be opened if aught that
the pensive bosom has inaugurated of soultransfigured and of
soultransfiguring deserves to live I say accord the prisoner at the bar the
sacred benefit of the doubt.

BLOOM

(in court dress) Can give best references. Messrs Callan, Coleman. Mr
Wisdom Hely J. P. My old chief Joe Cuffe. Mr V. B. Dillon, ex lord mayor
of Dublin. I have moved in the charmed circle of the highest .... Queens of
Dublin society. (carelessly) I was just chatting this afternoon at the
viceregal lodge to my old pals, sir Robert and lady Ball, astronomer royal
at the levee. Sir Bob, I said ......

MRS YELVERTON BARRY

(in lowcorsaged opal balldress and elbowlength ivory gloves, wearing a
sabletrimmed brickquilted dolman, a comb of brilliants and panache of
osprey in her hair
) Arrest him, constable. He wrote me an anonymous
letter in prentice backhand when my husband was in the North Riding of
Tipperary on the Munster circuit, signed James Lovebirch. He said that he
had seen from the gods my peerless globes as I sat in a box of the Theatre
Royal
at a command performance of La Cigale. I deeply inflamed him, he
said. He made improper overtures to me to misconduct myself at half past



four p.m. on the following Thursday, Dunsink time. He offered to send me
through the post a work of fiction by Monsieur Paul de Kock, entitled The
Girl with the Three Pairs of Stays.

MRS BELLINGHAM

(in cap and seal coney mantle, wrapped up to the nose, steps out of her
brougham and scans through tortoiseshell quizzing-glasses which she takes
from inside her huge opossum muff
) Also to me. Yes, I believe it is the same
objectionable person. Because he closed my carriage door outside sir
Thornley Stoker's one sleety day during the cold snap of February
ninetythree when even the grid of the wastepipe and the ballstop in my bath
cistern were frozen. Subsequently he enclosed a bloom of edelweiss culled
on the heights, as he said, in my honour. I had it examined by a botanical
expert and elicited the information that it was a blossom of the homegrown
potato plant purloined from a forcingcase of the model farm.

MRS YELVERTON BARRY

Shame on him!



THE SLUTS AND RAGAMUFFINS

(screaming) Stop thief! Hurrah there, Bluebeard! Three cheers for Ikey
Mo!

SECOND WATCH

(produces handcuffs) Here are the darbies.

MRS BELLINGHAM

He addressed me in several handwritings with fulsome compliments as a
Venus in furs and alleged profound pity for my frostbound coachman
Palmer while in the same breath he expressed himself as envious of his
earflaps and fleecy sheepskins and of his fortunate proximity to my person,
when standing behind my chair wearing my livery and the armorial
bearings of the Bellingham escutcheon garnished sable, a buck's head
couped or. He lauded almost extravagantly my nether extremities, my
swelling calves in silk hose drawn up to the limit, and eulogised glowingly
my other hidden treasures in priceless lace which, he said, he could conjure
up. He urged me (stating that he felt it his mission in life to urge me) to
defile the marriage bed, to commit adultery at the earliest possible
opportunity.



THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS

(in amazon costume, hard hat, jackboots cockspurred, vermilion waistcoat,
fawn musketeer gauntlets with braided drums, long train held up and
hunting crop with which she strikes her welt constantly)
Also me. Because
he saw me on the polo ground of the Phoenix park at the match All Ireland
versus the Rest of Ireland. My eyes, I know, shone divinely as I watched
Captain Slogger Dennehy of the Inniskillings win the final chukkar on his
darling cob Centaur. This plebeian Don Juan observed me from behind a
hackney car and sent me in double envelopes an obscene photograph, such
as are sold after dark on Paris boulevards, insulting to any lady. I have it
still. It represents a partially nude senorita, frail and lovely (his wife, as he
solemnly assured me, taken by him from nature), practising illicit
intercourse with a muscular torero, evidently a blackguard. He urged me to
do likewise, to misbehave, to sin with officers of the garrison. He implored
me to soil his letter in an unspeakable manner, to chastise him as he richly
deserves, to bestride and ride him, to give him a most vicious
horsewhipping.

MRS BELLINGHAM

Me too.

MRS YELVERTON BARRY

Me too.

THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS

(stamps her jingling spurs in a sudden paroxysm of fury) I will, by the
God above me. I'll scourge the pigeonlivered cur as long as I can stand over
him. I'll flay him alive.

BLOOM

(his eyes closing, quails expectantly) Here? (he squirms) Again! (he pants
cringing
) I love the danger.

THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS

Very much so! I'll make it hot for you. I'll make you dance Jack Latten for
that.

MRS BELLINGHAM

Tan his breech well, the upstart! Write the stars and stripes on it!


MRS YELVERTON BARRY

Disgraceful! There's no excuse for him! A married man!

BLOOM

All these people. I meant only the spanking idea. A warm tingling glow
without effusion. Refined birching to stimulate the circulation.

THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS

(laughs derisively) O, did you, my fine fellow? Well, by the living God,
you'll get the surprise of your life now, believe me, the most unmerciful
hiding a man ever bargained for. You have lashed the dormant tigress in my
nature into fury.

MRS BELLINGHAM

(shakes her muff and quizzing-glasses vindictively) Make him smart,
Hanna dear. Give him ginger. Thrash the mongrel within an inch of his
life. The cat-o'-nine-tails. Geld him. Vivisect him.

BLOOM

(shuddering, shrinking, joins his hands: with hangdog mien) O cold! O
shivery! It was your ambrosial beauty. Forget, forgive. Kismet. Let me off
this once. (he offers the other cheek)

MRS YELVERTON BARRY

(severely) Don't do so on any account, Mrs Talboys! He should be
soundly trounced!

THE HONOURABLE MRS MERVYN TALBOYS

(unbuttoning her gauntlet violently) I'll do no such thing. Pigdog and
always was ever since he was pupped! To dare address me! I'll flog him
black and blue in the public streets. I'll dig my spurs in him up to the rowel.
He is a wellknown cuckold. (she swishes her huntingcrop savagely in the
air)
Take down his trousers without loss of time. Come here, sir! Quick!
Ready?

BLOOM

(trembling, beginning to obey) The weather has been so warm.



DAVY STEPHEN S

Messenger of the Sacred Heart and Evening Telegraph with Saint Patrick's
Day supplement. Containing the new addresses of all the cuckolds in
Dublin.

THE TIMEPIECE

(unportalling)

(The brass quoits of a bed are heard to jingle.)

THE QUOITS

Jigjag. Jigajiga. Jigjag.

THE NAMELESS ONE

Bareback riding. Weight for age. Gob, he organised her.

THE JURORS

(all their heads turned to his voice) Really?

THE NAMELESS ONE

(snarls) Arse over tip. Hundred shillings to five.

THE JURORS

(all their heads lowered in assent) Most of us thought as much.

FIRST WATCH

He is a marked man. Another girl's plait cut. Wanted: Jack the Ripper. A
thousand pounds reward.


SECOND WATCH

(awed, whispers) And in black. A mormon. Anarchist.

THE CRIER

(loudly) Whereas Leopold Bloom of no fixed abode is a wellknown
dynamitard, forger, bigamist, bawd and cuckold and a public nuisance to
the citizens of Dublin and whereas at this commission of assizes the most
honourable ....



THE RECORDER

I will put an end to this white slave traffic and rid Dublin of this odious
pest. Scandalous! (he dons the black cap) Let him be taken, Mr Subsheriff,
from the dock where he now stands and detained in custody in Mountjoy
prison during His Majesty's pleasure and there be hanged by the neck until
he is dead and therein fail not at your peril or may the Lord have mercy on
your soul. Remove him.

LONG JOHN FANNING

(scowls and calls with rich rolling utterance) Who'll hang Judas Iscariot?

RUMBOLD

(to the recorder with sinister familiarity) Hanging Harry, your Majesty,
the Mersey terror. Five guineas a jugular. Neck or nothing.

(The bells of George's church toll slowly, loud dark iron.)

THE BELLS

Heigho! Heigho!


BLOOM

(desperately) Wait. Stop. Gulls. Good heart. I saw. Innocence. Girl in the
monkeyhouse. Zoo. Lewd chimpanzee. (breathlessly) Pelvic basin. Her
artless blush unmanned me. (overcome with emotion) I left the precincts.
(he turns to a figure in the crowd, appealing) Hynes, may I speak to you?
You know me. That three shillings you can keep. If you want a little
more .....

HYNES

(coldly) You are a perfect stranger.

SECOND WATCH

(points to the corner) The bomb is here.

FIRST WATCH

Infernal machine with a time fuse.

BLOOM

No, no. Pig's feet. I was at a funeral.

FIRST WATCH

(draws his truncheon) Liar!

PADDY DIGNAM

(in a hollow voice) It is true. It was my funeral. Doctor Finucane
pronounced life extinct when I succumbed to the disease from natural
causes.

BLOOM

(in triumph) You hear?

PADDY DIGNAM

Bloom, I am Paddy Dignam's spirit. List, list, O list!



BLOOM

The voice is the voice of Esau.

SECOND WATCH

(blesses himself) How is that possible?

FIRST WATCH

It is not in the penny catechism.

PADDY DIGNAM

By metempsychosis. Spooks.

A VOICE

O rocks.

PADDY DIGNAM

(earnestly) Once I was in the employ of Mr J. H. Menton, solicitor,
commissioner for oaths and affidavits, of 27 Bachelor's Walk. Now I am
defunct, the wall of the heart hypertrophied. Hard lines. The poor wife was
awfully cut up. How is she bearing it? Keep her off that bottle of sherry.
(he looks round him) A lamp. I must satisfy an animal need. That
buttermilk didn't agree with me.

FATHER COFFEY

(yawns, then chants with a hoarse croak) Namine. Jacobs. Vobiscuits.
Amen.

JOHN O'CONNELL

(foghorns stormily through his megaphone) Dignam, Patrick T, deceased.

PADDY DIGNAM

(with pricked up ears, winces) Overtones. (he wriggles forward and
places an ear to the ground
) My master's voice!

JOHN O'CONNELL

Burial docket letter number U. P. eightyfive thousand. Field seventeen.
House of Keys. Plot, one hundred and one.  


PADDY DIGNAM

Pray for the repose of his soul.

TOM ROCHFORD

(a hand to his breastbone, bows) Reuben J. A florin I find him. (he fixes
the manhole with a resolute stare
) My turn now on. Follow me up to
Carlow.

THE KISSES

(warbling) Leo! (twittering) Icky licky micky sticky for Leo! (cooing)
Coo coocoo! Yummyyum, Womwom! (warbling) Big comebig! Pirouette!
Leopopold! (twittering) Leeolee! (warbling) O Leo!

BLOOM

A man's touch. Sad music. Church music. Perhaps here.

ZOE

Are you looking for someone? He's inside with his friend.


BLOOM

Is this Mrs Mack's?

ZOE

No, eightyone. Mrs Cohen's. You might go farther and fare worse. Mother
Slipperslapper. (familiarly) She's on the job herself tonight with the vet her
tipster that gives her all the winners and pays for her son in Oxford.
Working overtime but her luck's turned today. (suspiciously) You're not
his father, are you?

BLOOM

Not I!

ZOE

You both in black. Has little mousey any tickles tonight?

ZOE

How's the nuts?

BLOOM

Off side. Curiously they are on the right. Heavier, I suppose. One in a
million my tailor, Mesias, says.

ZOE

(in sudden alarm) You've a hard chancre.

BLOOM

Not likely.

ZOE

I feel it.

BLOOM

A talisman. Heirloom.


ZOE

For Zoe? For keeps? For being so nice, eh?

ZOE

You'll know me the next time.

BLOOM

(forlornly) I never loved a dear gazelle but it was sure to ....

ZOE

(murmuring singsong with the music, her odalisk lips lusciously smeared
with salve of swinefat and rosewater) Schorach ani wenowach, benoith
Hierushaloim.

BLOOM

(fascinated) I thought you were of good stock by your accent.

ZOE

And you know what thought did?

BLOOM

(draws back, mechanically caressing her right bub with a flat awkward
hand
) Are you a Dublin girl?

ZOE

(catches a stray hair deftly and twists it to her coil) No bloody fear. I'm
English. Have you a swaggerroot?



BLOOM

(as before) Rarely smoke, dear. Cigar now and then. Childish device.
(lewdly) The mouth can be better engaged than with a cylinder of rank
weed.

ZOE

Go on. Make a stump speech out of it.

BLOOM

(in workman's corduroy overalls, black gansy with red floating tie and
apache cap
) Mankind is incorrigible. Sir Walter Ralegh brought from the
new world that potato and that weed, the one a killer of pestilence by
absorption, the other a poisoner of the ear, eye, heart, memory, will
understanding, all. That is to say he brought the poison a hundred years
before another person whose name I forget brought the food. Suicide. Lies.
All our habits. Why, look at our public life!

THE CHIMES

Turn again, Leopold! Lord mayor of Dublin!

BLOOM

(in alderman's gown and chain) Electors of Arran Quay, Inns Quay,
Rotunda, Mountjoy and North Dock, better run a tramline, I say, from the
cattlemarket to the river. That's the music of the future. That's my
programme. Cui bono? But our bucaneering Vanderdeckens in their
phantom ship of finance .....

AN ELECTOR

Three times three for our future chief magistrate!

THE TORCHBEARERS

Hooray!



LATE LORD MAYOR HARRINGTON

(in scarlet robe with mace, gold mayoral chain and large white silk scarf)
That alderman sir Leo Bloom's speech be printed at the expense of the
ratepayers. That the house in which he was born be ornamented with a
commemorative tablet and that the thoroughfare hitherto known as Cow
Parlour off Cork street be henceforth designated Boulevard Bloom.

COUNCILLOR LORCAN SHERLOCK

Carried unanimously.

BLOOM

(impassionedly) These flying Dutchmen or lying Dutchmen as they recline
in their upholstered poop, casting dice, what reck they? Machines is their
cry, their chimera, their panacea. Laboursaving apparatuses, supplanters,
bugbears, manufactured monsters for mutual murder, hideous hobgoblins
produced by a horde of capitalistic lusts upon our prostituted labour. The
poor man starves while they are grassing their royal mountain stags or
shooting peasants and phartridges in their purblind pomp of pelf and
power. But their reign is rover for rever and ever and ev ...



BLOOM 'S BOYS

A BLACKSMITH

(murmurs) For the honour of God! And is that Bloom? He scarcely looks
thirtyone.

A PAVIOR AND FLAGGER

That's the famous Bloom now, the world's greatest reformer. Hats off!




A MILLIONAIRESS

(richly) Isn't he simply wonderful?

A NOBLEWOMAN

(nobly) All that man has seen!

A FEMINIST

(masculinely) And done!

A BELLHANGER

A classic face! He has the forehead of a thinker.



THE BISHOP OF DOWN AND CONNOR

I here present your undoubted emperor-president and king-chairman, the
most serene and potent and very puissant ruler of this realm. God save
Leopold the First!

ALL

God save Leopold the First!

BLOOM

(in dalmatic and purple mantle, to the bishop of Down and Connor, with
dignity
) Thanks, somewhat eminent sir.

WILLIAM, ARCHBISHOP OF ARMAGH

(in purple stock and shovel hat) Will you to your power cause law and
mercy to be executed in all your judgments in Ireland and territories
thereunto belonging?

BLOOM

(placing his right hand on his testicles, swears) So may the Creator deal
with me. All this I promise to do.

MICHAEL, ARCHBISHOP OF ARMAGH

(pours a cruse of hairoil over Bloom's head) Gaudium magnum annuntio
vobis. Habemus carneficem
. Leopold, Patrick, Andrew, David, George, be
thou anointed!


THE PEERS

I do become your liege man of life and limb to earthly worship.

BLOOM

My subjects! We hereby nominate our faithful charger Copula Felix
hereditary Grand Vizier and announce that we have this day repudiated
our former spouse and have bestowed our royal hand upon the princess
Selene, the splendour of night.

JOHN HOWARD PARNELL

(raises the royal standard) Illustrious Bloom! Successor to my famous
brother!

BLOOM

(embraces John Howard Parnell) We thank you from our heart, John, for
this right royal welcome to green Erin, the promised land of our common
ancestors.

TOM KERNAN

You deserve it, your honour.

BLOOM

On this day twenty years ago we overcame the hereditary enemy at
Ladysmith. Our howitzers and camel swivel guns played on his lines with
telling effect. Half a league onward! They charge! All is lost now! Do we
yield? No! We drive them headlong! Lo! We charge! Deploying to the left
our light horse swept across the heights of Plevna and, uttering their warcry
Bonafide Sabaoth, sabred the Saracen gunners to a man.


THE CHAPEL OF FREEMAN TYPESETTERS

Hear! Hear!

JOHN WYSE NOLAN

There's the man that got away James Stephens.

A BLUECOAT SCHOOLBOY

Bravo!

AN OLD RESIDENT

You're a credit to your country, sir, that's what you are.

AN APPLEWOMAN

He's a man like Ireland wants.

BLOOM

My beloved subjects, a new era is about to dawn. I, Bloom, tell you verily it
is even now at hand. Yea, on the word of a Bloom, ye shall ere long enter
into the golden city which is to be, the new Bloomusalem in the Nova
Hibernia of the future.

THE SIGHTSEERS

(dying) Morituri te salutant. (they die)

THE MAN IN THE MACINTOSH

Don't you believe a word he says. That man is Leopold M'Intosh, the
notorious fireraiser. His real name is Higgins.


BLOOM

Shoot him! Dog of a christian! So much for M'Intosh!

THE WOMEN

Little father! Little father!

THE BABES AND SUCKLINGS

Clap clap hands till Poldy comes home,
Cakes in his pocket for Leo alone.

BABY BOARDMAN

(hiccups, curdled milk flowing from his mouth) Hajajaja.


BLOOM

(shaking hands with a blind stripling) My more than Brother! (placing his
arms round the shoulders of an old couple
) Dear old friends! (he plays
pussy fourcorners with ragged boys and girls
) Peep! Bopeep! (he wheels
twins in a perambulator
) Ticktacktwo wouldyousetashoe? (he performs
juggler's tricks, draws red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet
silk handkerchiefs from his mouth
) Roygbiv. 32 feet per second. (he
consoles a widow
) Absence makes the heart grow younger. (he dances the
Highland fling with grotesque antics
) Leg it, ye devils! (he kisses the
bedsores of a palsied veteran
) Honourable wounds! (he trips up a fit
policeman
) U. p: up. U. p: up. (he whispers in the ear of a blushing
waitress and laughs kindly
) Ah, naughty, naughty! (he eats a raw turnip
offered him by Maurice Butterly, farmer
) Fine! Splendid! (he refuses to
accept three shillings offered him by Joseph Hynes, journalist
) My dear
fellow, not at all! (he gives his coat to a beggar) Please accept. (he takes
part in a stomach race with elderly male and female cripples
) Come on,
boys! Wriggle it, girls!

THE CITIZEN

(choked with emotion, brushes aside a tear in his emerald muffler) May the
good God bless him!

BLOOM

(uncloaks impressively, revealing obesity, unrolls a paper and reads
solemnly
) Aleph Beth Ghimel Daleth Hagadah Tephilim Kosher Yom
Kippur Hanukah Roschaschana Beni Brith Bar Mitzvah Mazzoth
Askenazim Meshuggah Talith.

(An official translation is read by Jimmy Henry, assistant town
clerk.)

JIMMY HENRY

The Court of Conscience is now open. His Most Catholic Majesty will now
administer open air justice. Free medical and legal advice, solution of
doubles and other problems. All cordially invited. Given at this our loyal
city of Dublin in the year I of the Paradisiacal Era.

PADDY LEONARD

What am I to do about my rates and taxes?


BLOOM

Pay them, my friend.

PADDY LEONARD

Thank you.

NOSEY FLYNN

Can I raise a mortgage on my fire insurance?

BLOOM

(obdurately) Sirs, take notice that by the law of torts you are bound over
in your own recognisances for six months in the sum of five pounds.

J. J. O'MOLLOY

A Daniel did I say? Nay! A Peter O'Brien!

NOSEY FLYNN

Where do I draw the five pounds?

PISSER BURKE

For bladder trouble?

BLOOM

CHRIS CALLINAN

What is the parallax of the subsolar ecliptic of Aldebaran?

BLOOM

Pleased to hear from you, Chris. K. II.

JOE HYNES

Why aren't you in uniform?

BLOOM

When my progenitor of sainted memory wore the uniform of the Austrian
despot in a dank prison where was yours?


BEN DOLLARD

Pansies?

BLOOM

Embellish (beautify) suburban gardens.

BEN DOLLARD

When twins arrive?

BLOOM

Father (pater, dad) starts thinking.

LARRY O'ROURKE

An eightday licence for my new premises. You remember me, sir Leo, when
you were in number seven. I'm sending around a dozen of stout for the
missus.

BLOOM

(coldly) You have the advantage of me. Lady Bloom accepts no presents.

CROFTON

This is indeed a festivity.

BLOOM

(solemnly) You call it a festivity. I call it a sacrament.

ALEXANDER KEYES

When will we have our own house of keys?

BLOOM

I stand for the reform of municipal morals and the plain ten
commandments. New worlds for old. Union of all, jew, moslem and gentile.
Three acres and a cow for all children of nature. Saloon motor hearses.
Compulsory manual labour for all. All parks open to the public day and
night. Electric dishscrubbers. Tuberculosis, lunacy, war and mendicancy
must now cease. General amnesty, weekly carnival with masked licence,
bonuses for all, esperanto the universal language with universal
brotherhood. No more patriotism of barspongers and dropsical impostors.
Free money, free rent, free love and a free lay church in a free lay state.


O'MADDEN BURKE

Free fox in a free henroost.

DAVY BYRNE

(yawning) Iiiiiiiiiaaaaaaach!

BLOOM

Mixed races and mixed marriage.

LENEHAN

What about mixed bathing?

FATHER FARLEY

He is an episcopalian, an agnostic, an anythingarian seeking to overthrow
our holy faith.

MRS RIORDAN

(tears up her will) I'm disappointed in you! You bad man!

MOTHER GROGAN

(removes her boot to throw it at Bloom) You beast! You abominable
person!

NOSEY FLYNN

Give us a tune, Bloom. One of the old sweet songs.

BLOOM

(with rollicking humour)


HOPPY HOLOHAN

Good old Bloom! There's nobody like him after all.

PADDY LEONARD

Stage Irishman!

BLOOM

What railway opera is like a tramline in Gibraltar? The Rows of Casteele.

LENEHAN

Plagiarist! Down with Bloom!

THE VEILED SIBYL

(enthusiastically) I'm a Bloomite and I glory in it. I believe in him in spite
of all. I'd give my life for him, the funniest man on earth.

BLOOM

(winks at the bystanders) I bet she's a bonny lassie.

THEODORE PUREFOY

(in fishingcap and oilskin jacket) He employs a mechanical device to
frustrate the sacred ends of nature.

THE VEILED SIBYL

(stabs herself) My hero god! (she dies)

ALEXANDER J DOWIE

(violently) Fellowchristians and antiBloomites, the man called Bloom is
from the roots of hell, a disgrace to christian men. A fiendish libertine from
his earliest years this stinking goat of Mendes gave precocious signs of
infantile debauchery, recalling the cities of the plain, with a dissolute
granddam. This vile hypocrite, bronzed with infamy, is the white bull
mentioned in the Apocalypse. A worshipper of the Scarlet Woman, intrigue
is the very breath of his nostrils. The stake faggots and the caldron of
boiling oil are for him. Caliban!


THE MOB

Lynch him! Roast him! He's as bad as Parnell was. Mr Fox!

BLOOM

(excitedly) This is midsummer madness, some ghastly joke again. By
heaven, I am guiltless as the unsunned snow! It was my brother Henry. He
is my double. He lives in number 2 Dolphin's Barn. Slander, the viper, has
wrongfully accused me. Fellowcountrymen, sgeul i mbarr bata coisde gan
capall
. I call on my old friend, Dr Malachi Mulligan, sex specialist, to give
medical testimony on my behalf.

DR MULLIGAN

(in motor jerkin, green motorgoggles on his brow) Dr Bloom is bisexually
abnormal. He has recently escaped from Dr Eustace's private asylum for
demented gentlemen. Born out of bedlock hereditary epilepsy is present, the
consequence of unbridled lust. Traces of elephantiasis have been discovered
among his ascendants. There are marked symptoms of chronic
exhibitionism. Ambidexterity is also latent. He is prematurely bald from
selfabuse, perversely idealistic in consequence, a reformed rake, and has
metal teeth. In consequence of a family complex he has temporarily lost his
memory and I believe him to be more sinned against than sinning. I have
made a pervaginal examination and, after application of the acid test to
5427 anal, axillary, pectoral and pubic hairs, I declare him to be virgo
intacta.

DR MADDEN

Hypsospadia is also marked. In the interest of coming generations I suggest
that the parts affected should be preserved in spirits of wine in the national
teratological museum.

DR CROTTHERS

I have examined the patient's urine. It is albuminoid. Salivation is
insufficient, the patellar reflex intermittent.

DR PUNCH COSTELLO

The fetor judaicus is most perceptible.


DR DIXON

(reads a bill of health) Professor Bloom is a finished example of the new
womanly man. His moral nature is simple and lovable. Many have found
him a dear man, a dear person. He is a rather quaint fellow on the whole,
coy though not feebleminded in the medical sense. He has written a really
beautiful letter, a poem in itself, to the court missionary of the Reformed
Priests' Protection Society which clears up everything. He is practically a
total abstainer and I can affirm that he sleeps on a straw litter and eats the
most Spartan food, cold dried grocer's peas. He wears a hairshirt of pure
Irish manufacture winter and summer and scourges himself every
Saturday. He was, I understand, at one time a firstclass misdemeanant in
Glencree reformatory. Another report states that he was a very posthumous
child. I appeal for clemency in the name of the most sacred word our vocal
organs have ever been called upon to speak. He is about to have a baby.

BLOOM

O, I so want to be a mother.

MRS THORNTON

(in nursetender's gown) Embrace me tight, dear. You'll be soon over it.
Tight, dear.

A VOICE

Bloom, are you the Messiah ben Joseph or ben David?


BLOOM

(darkly) You have said it.

BROTHER BUZZ

Then perform a miracle like Father Charles.

BANTAM LYONS

Prophesy who will win the Saint Leger.

BRINI, PAPAL NUNCIO

(in papal zouave's uniform, steel cuirasses as breastplate, armplates,
thighplates, legplates, large profane moustaches and brown paper mitre)
Leopoldi autem generatio
. Moses begat Noah and Noah begat Eunuch and
Eunuch begat O'Halloran and O'Halloran begat Guggenheim and
Guggenheim begat Agendath and Agendath begat Netaim and Netaim
begat Le Hirsch and Le Hirsch begat Jesurum and Jesurum begat MacKay
and MacKay begat Ostrolopsky and Ostrolopsky begat Smerdoz and
Smerdoz begat Weiss and Weiss begat Schwarz and Schwarz begat
Adrianopoli and Adrianopoli begat Aranjuez and Aranjuez begat Lewy
Lawson and Lewy Lawson begat Ichabudonosor and Ichabudonosor begat
O'Donnell Magnus and O'Donnell Magnus begat Christbaum and
Christbaum begat ben Maimun and ben Maimun begat Dusty Rhodes and
Dusty Rhodes begat Benamor and Benamor begat Jones-Smith and
Jones-Smith begat Savorgnanovich and Savorgnanovich begat Jasperstone
and Jasperstone begat Vingtetunieme and Vingtetunieme begat
Szombathely and Szombathely begat Virag and Virag begat Bloom et
vocabitur nomen eius Emmanuel.

A DEADHAND

(writes on the wall) Bloom is a cod.


CRAB

(in bushranger's kit) What did you do in the cattlecreep behind
Kilbarrack?

A FEMALE INFANT

(shakes a rattle) And under Ballybough bridge?

A HOLLYBUSH

And in the devil's glen?

BLOOM

(blushes furiously all over from frons to nates, three tears filling from his
left eye
) Spare my past.

THE IRISH EVICTED TENANTS

(in bodycoats, kneebreeches, with Donnybrook fair shillelaghs) Sjambok
him!

THE ARTANE ORPHANS

THE PRISON GATE GIRLS

HORNBLOWER

(in ephod and huntingcap, announces) And he shall carry the sins of the
people to Azazel, the spirit which is in the wilderness, and to Lilith, the
nighthag. And they shall stone him and defile him, yea, all from Agendath
Netaim and from Mizraim, the land of Ham.



MASTIANSKY AND CITRON

Belial! Laemlein of Istria, the false Messiah! Abulafia! Recant!

MESIAS

To alteration one pair trousers eleven shillings.

BLOOM

(rubs his hands cheerfully) Just like old times. Poor Bloom!

REUBEN J

(whispers hoarsely) The squeak is out. A split is gone for the flatties. Nip
the first rattler.

THE FIRE BRIGADE

Pflaap!

BROTHER BUZZ

(Invests Bloom in a yellow habit with embroidery of painted flames and
high pointed hat He places a bag of gunpowder round his neck and hands
him over to the civil power, saying
) Forgive him his trespasses.

THE CITIZEN

Thank heaven!

BLOOM

(in a seamless garment marked I. H. S. stands upright amid phoenix
flames
) Weep not for me, O daughters of Erin. (he exhibits to Dublin
reporters traces of burning)



THE DAUGHTERS OF ERIN

Kidney of Bloom, pray for us
Flower of the Bath, pray for us
Mentor of Menton, pray for us
Canvasser for the Freeman, pray for us
Charitable Mason, pray for us
Wandering Soap, pray for us
Sweets of Sin, pray for us
Music without Words, pray for us
Reprover of the Citizen, pray for us
Friend of all Frillies, pray for us
Midwife Most Merciful, pray for us
Potato Preservative against Plague and Pestilence, pray for us.

ZOE

Talk away till you're black in the face.

BLOOM

(in caubeen with clay pipe stuck in the band, dusty brogues, an emigrant's
red handkerchief bundle in his hand, leading a black bogoak pig by a
sugaun, with a smile in his eye)
Let me be going now, woman of the house,
for by all the goats in Connemara I'm after having the father and mother of
a bating. (with a tear in his eye) All insanity. Patriotism, sorrow for the
dead, music, future of the race. To be or not to be. Life's dream is o'er. End
it peacefully. They can live on. (he gazes far away mournfully) I am
ruined. A few pastilles of aconite. The blinds drawn. A letter. Then lie back
to rest. (he breathes softly) No more. I have lived. Fare. Farewell.

ZOE

(stiffly, her finger in her neckfillet) Honest? Till the next time. (she sneers)
Suppose you got up the wrong side of the bed or came too quick with your
best girl. O, I can read your thoughts!

BLOOM

(bitterly) Man and woman, love, what is it? A cork and bottle. I'm sick of
it. Let everything rip.


ZOE

(in sudden sulks) I hate a rotter that's insincere. Give a bleeding whore a
chance.

BLOOM

(repentantly) I am very disagreeable. You are a necessary evil. Where are
you from? London?

ZOE

(glibly) Hog's Norton where the pigs plays the organs. I'm Yorkshire
born. (she holds his hand which is feeling for her nipple) I say, Tommy
Tittlemouse. Stop that and begin worse. Have you cash for a short time?
Ten shillings?

BLOOM

(smiles, nods slowly) More, houri, more.

ZOE

And more's mother? (she pats him offhandedly with velvet paws) Are you
coming into the musicroom to see our new pianola? Come and I'll peel off.

BLOOM

(feeling his occiput dubiously with the unparalleled embarrassment of a
harassed pedlar gauging the symmetry of her peeled pears
) Somebody
would be dreadfully jealous if she knew. The greeneyed monster.
(earnestly) You know how difficult it is. I needn't tell you.

ZOE

(flattered) What the eye can't see the heart can't grieve for. (she pats him)
Come.

BLOOM

Laughing witch! The hand that rocks the cradle.

ZOE

Babby!

BLOOM

(in babylinen and pelisse, bigheaded, with a caul of dark hair, fixes big eyes
on her fluid slip and counts its bronze buckles with a chubby finger, his
moist tongue lolling and lisping
) One two tlee: tlee tlwo tlone.


THE BUCKLES

Love me. Love me not. Love me.

ZOE

Silent means consent. (With little parted talons she captures his hand, her
forefinger giving to his palm the passtouch of secret monitor, luring him to
doom.
) Hot hands cold gizzard.

THE MALE BRUTES

(exhaling sulphur of rut and dung and ramping in their loosebox, faintly
roaring, their drugged heads swaying to and fro
) Good!

ZOE

(her lucky hand instantly saving him) Hoopsa! Don't fall upstairs.

BLOOM

The just man falls seven times. (he stands aside at the threshold) After you
is good manners.

ZOE

Ladies first, gentlemen after.


KITTY

(coughs behind her hand) She's a bit imbecillic. (she signs with a waggling
forefinger) Blemblem. (Lynch lifts up her skirt and white petticoat with his
wand She settles them down quickly.) Respect yourself. (she hiccups, then
bends quickly her sailor hat under which her hair glows, red with henna)
O, excuse!

ZOE

More limelight, Charley. (she goes to the chandelier and turns the gas full
cock)

KITTY

(peers at the gasjet) What ails it tonight?

LYNCH

(deeply) Enter a ghost and hobgoblins.

ZOE

Clap on the back for Zoe.

KITTY

(hiccups again with a kick of her horsed foot) O, excuse!


ZOE

(promptly) Your boy's thinking of you. Tie a knot on your shift.

STEPHEN

As a matter of fact it is of no importance whether Benedetto Marcello found
it or made it. The rite is the poet's rest. It may be an old hymn to Demeter
or also illustrate Coela enarrant gloriam Domini. It is susceptible of nodes
or modes as far apart as hyperphrygian and mixolydian and of texts so
divergent as priests haihooping round David's that is Circe's or what am I
saying Ceres' altar and David's tip from the stable to his chief bassoonist
about the alrightness of his almightiness. Mais nom de nom, that is another
pair of trousers. Jetez la gourme. Faut que jeunesse se passe. (he stops, points
at Lynch's cap, smiles, laughs
) Which side is your knowledge bump?

THE CAP

(with saturnine spleen) Ba! It is because it is. Woman's reason. Jewgreek is
greekjew. Extremes meet. Death is the highest form of life. Ba!

STEPHEN

You remember fairly accurately all my errors, boasts, mistakes. How long
shall I continue to close my eyes to disloyalty? Whetstone!

THE CAP

Ba!

STEPHEN

Here's another for you. (he frowns) The reason is because the
fundamental and the dominant are separated by the greatest possible
interval which ....

THE CAP

Which? Finish. You can't.

STEPHEN

(with an effort) Interval which. Is the greatest possible ellipse. Consistent
with. The ultimate return. The octave. Which.


THE CAP

Which?

STEPHEN

(abruptly) What went forth to the ends of the world to traverse not itself,
God, the sun, Shakespeare, a commercial traveller, having itself traversed in
reality itself becomes that self. Wait a moment. Wait a second. Damn that
fellow's noise in the street. Self which it itself was ineluctably
preconditioned to become. Ecco!

LYNCH

(with a mocking whinny of laughter grins at Bloom and Zoe Higgins)
What a learned speech, eh?

ZOE

(briskly) God help your head, he knows more than you have forgotten.

FLORRY

They say the last day is coming this summer.

KITTY

No!

ZOE

(explodes in laughter) Great unjust God!

FLORRY

(offended) Well, it was in the papers about Antichrist. O, my foot's
tickling.

THE NEWSBOYS

Stop press edition. Result of the rockinghorse races. Sea serpent in the
royal canal. Safe arrival of Antichrist.



STEPHEN

A time, times and half a time.

ALL

What?

THE HOBGOBLIN

(his jaws chattering, capers to and fro, goggling his eyes, squeaking,
kangaroohopping with outstretched clutching arms, then all at once thrusts
his lipless face through the fork of his thighs) Il vient! C'est moi! L'homme
qui rit! L'homme primigène! (he whirls round and round with dervish
howls) Sieurs et dames, faites vos jeux! (He crouches juggling Tiny
roulette planets fly from his hands.) Les jeux sont faits! (the planets rush
together, uttering crepitant cracks) Rien va plus! (The planets, buoyant
balloons, sail swollen up and away. He springs off into vacuum.)

FLORRY

(sinking into torpor, crossing herself secretly) The end of the world!

THE GRAMOPHONE


THE END OF THE WORLD

(with a Scotch accent) Wha'll dance the keel row, the keel row, the keel
row?



ELIJAH

No yapping, if you please, in this booth. Jake Crane, Creole Sue, Dove
Campbell, Abe Kirschner, do your coughing with your mouths shut. Say, I
am operating all this trunk line. Boys, do it now. God's time is 12.25. Tell
mother you'll be there. Rush your order and you play a slick ace. Join on
right here. Book through to eternity junction, the nonstop run. Just one
word more. Are you a god or a doggone clod? If the second advent came to
Coney Island are we ready? Florry Christ, Stephen Christ, Zoe Christ,
Bloom Christ, Kitty Christ, Lynch Christ, it's up to you to sense that cosmic
force. Have we cold feet about the cosmos? No. Be on the side of the
angels. Be a prism. You have that something within, the higher self. You can
rub shoulders with a Jesus, a Gautama, an Ingersoll. Are you all in this
vibration? I say you are. You once nobble that, congregation, and a buck
joyride to heaven becomes a back number. You got me? It's a lifebrightener,
sure. The hottest stuff ever was. It's the whole pie with jam in. It's just the
cutest snappiest line out. It is immense, supersumptuous. It restores. It
vibrates. I know and I am some vibrator. Joking apart and, getting down to
bedrock, A. J. Christ Dowie and the harmonial philosophy, have you got
that? O. K. Seventyseven west sixtyninth street. Got me? That's it. You call
me up by sunphone any old time. Bumboosers, save your stamps. (he
shouts
) Now then our glory song. All join heartily in the singing. Encore!
(he sings) Jeru ....

THE GRAMOPHONE

(drowning his voice) Whorusalaminyourhighhohhhh... (the disc rasps
gratingly against the needle)

THE THREE WHORES

(covering their ears, squawk) Ahhkkk!

ELIJAH

(in rolledup shirtsleeves, black in the face, shouts at the top of his voice, his
arms uplifted
) Big Brother up there, Mr President, you hear what I done
just been saying to you. Certainly, I sort of believe strong in you, Mr



President. I certainly am thinking now Miss Higgins and Miss Ricketts got
religion way inside them. Certainly seems to me I don't never see no wusser
scared female than the way you been, Miss Florry, just now as I done seed
you. Mr President, you come long and help me save our sisters dear. (he
winks at his audience
) Our Mr President, he twig the whole lot and he aint
saying nothing.

KITTY-KATE

I forgot myself. In a weak moment I erred and did what I did on
Constitution hill. I was confirmed by the bishop and enrolled in the brown
scapular. My mother's sister married a Montmorency. It was a working
plumber was my ruination when I was pure.

ZOE-FANNY

I let him larrup it into me for the fun of it.

FLORRY-TERESA

It was in consequence of a portwine beverage on top of Hennessy's three
star. I was guilty with Whelan when he slipped into the bed.

STEPHEN

In the beginning was the word, in the end the world without end. Blessed be
the eight beatitudes.

THE BEATITUDES

(incoherently) Beer beef battledog buybull businum barnum buggerum
bishop.

LYSTER

(in quakergrey kneebreeches and broadbrimmed hat, says discreetly) He is
our friend. I need not mention names. Seek thou the light.

(smiling, lifts the hat and displays a shaven poll from the crown of which
bristles a pigtail toupee tied with an orange topknot
) I was just beautifying
him, don't you know. A thing of beauty, don't you know, Yeats says, or I
mean, Keats says.


JOHN EGLINTON

(produces a greencapped dark lantern and flashes it towards a corner: with
carping accent
) Esthetics and cosmetics are for the boudoir. I am out for
truth. Plain truth for a plain man. Tanderagee wants the facts and means to
get them.

MANANAUN MACLIR

(with a voice of waves) Aum! Hek! Wal! Ak! Lub! Mor! Ma! White
yoghin of the gods. Occult pimander of Hermes Trismegistos. (with a voice
of whistling seawind
) Punarjanam patsypunjaub! I won't have my leg
pulled. It has been said by one: beware the left, the cult of Shakti. (with a
cry of stormbirds
) Shakti Shiva, darkhidden Father! (He smites with his
bicycle pump the crayfish in his left hand. On its cooperative dial glow the
twelve signs of the zodiac. He wails with the vehemence of the ocean
.)
Aum! Baum! Pyjaum! I am the light of the homestead! I am the dreamery
creamery butter.

THE GASJET

Pooah! Pfuiiiiiii!

ZOE

Who has a fag as I'm here?

LYNCH

(tossing a cigarette on to the table) Here.

ZOE

(her head perched aside in mock pride) Is that the way to hand the pot to
a lady? (She stretches up to light the cigarette over the flame, twirling it
slowly, showing the brown tufts of her armpits. Lynch with his poker lifts
boldly a side of her slip. Bare from her garters up her flesh appears under
the sapphire a nixie's green. She puffs calmly at her cigarette.)
Can you see
the beautyspot of my behind?


LYNCH

I'm not looking

ZOE

(makes sheep's eyes) No? You wouldn't do a less thing. Would you suck a
lemon?

VIRAG

(heels together, bows) My name is Virag Lipoti, of Szombathely. (he
coughs thoughtfully, drily
) Promiscuous nakedness is much in evidence
hereabouts, eh? Inadvertently her backview revealed the fact that she is not
wearing those rather intimate garments of which you are a particular
devotee. The injection mark on the thigh I hope you perceived? Good.

BLOOM

Granpapachi. But .....

VIRAG

Number two on the other hand, she of the cherry rouge and coiffeuse white,
whose hair owes not a little to our tribal elixir of gopherwood, is in walking
costume and tightly staysed by her sit, I should opine. Backbone in front, so
to say. Correct me but I always understood that the act so performed by
skittish humans with glimpses of lingerie appealed to you in virtue of its
exhibitionististicicity. In a word. Hippogriff. Am I right?

BLOOM

She is rather lean.


VIRAG

(not unpleasantly) Absolutely! Well observed and those pannier pockets of
the skirt and slightly pegtop effect are devised to suggest bunchiness of hip.
A new purchase at some monster sale for which a gull has been mulcted.
Meretricious finery to deceive the eye. Observe the attention to details of
dustspecks. Never put on you tomorrow what you can wear today.
Parallax! (with a nervous twitch of his head) Did you hear my brain go
snap? Pollysyllabax!

BLOOM

(an elbow resting in a hand, a forefinger against his cheek) She seems sad.

VIRAG

(cynically, his weasel teeth bared yellow, draws down his left eye with a
finger and barks hoarsely
) Hoax! Beware of the flapper and bogus
mournful. Lily of the alley. All possess bachelor's button discovered by
Rualdus Columbus. Tumble her. Columble her. Chameleon. (more
genially
) Well then, permit me to draw your attention to item number three.
There is plenty of her visible to the naked eye. Observe the mass of
oxygenated vegetable matter on her skull. What ho, she bumps! The ugly
duckling of the party, longcasted and deep in keel.

BLOOM

(regretfully) When you come out without your gun.

VIRAG

We can do you all brands, mild, medium and strong. Pay your money, take
your choice. How happy could you be with either...

BLOOM

With ...?

VIRAG

(his tongue upcurling) Lyum! Look. Her beam is broad. She is coated with
quite a considerable layer of fat. Obviously mammal in weight of bosom
you remark that she has in front well to the fore two protuberances of very
respectable dimensions, inclined to fall in the noonday soupplate, while on
her rere lower down are two additional protuberances, suggestive of potent
rectum and tumescent for palpation, which leave nothing to be desired save
compactness. Such fleshy parts are the product of careful nurture. When
coopfattened their livers reach an elephantine size. Pellets of new bread
with fennygreek and gumbenjamin swamped down by potions of green tea
endow them during their brief existence with natural pincushions of quite


colossal blubber. That suits your book, eh? Fleshhotpots of Egypt to
hanker after. Wallow in it. Lycopodium. (his throat twitches) Slapbang!
There he goes again.

BLOOM

The stye I dislike.

VIRAG

(arches his eyebrows) Contact with a goldring, they say. Argumentum ad
feminam
, as we said in old Rome and ancient Greece in the consulship of
Diplodocus and Ichthyosauros. For the rest Eve's sovereign remedy. Not
for sale. Hire only. Huguenot. (he twitches) It is a funny sound. (he
coughs encouragingly
) But possibly it is only a wart. I presume you shall
have remembered what I will have taught you on that head? Wheatenmeal
with honey and nutmeg.

BLOOM

(reflecting) Wheatenmeal with lycopodium and syllabax. This searching
ordeal. It has been an unusually fatiguing day, a chapter of accidents. Wait.
I mean, wartsblood spreads warts, you said ...

VIRAG

(severely, his nose hardhumped, his side eye winking) Stop twirling your
thumbs and have a good old thunk. See, you have forgotten. Exercise your
mnemotechnic. La causa è santa. Tara. Tara. (aside) He will surely
remember.

BLOOM

Rosemary also did I understand you to say or willpower over parasitic
tissues. Then nay no I have an inkling. The touch of a deadhand cures.
Mnemo?

VIRAG

(excitedly) I say so. I say so. E'en so. Technic. (he taps his parchmentroll
energetically
) This book tells you how to act with all descriptive
particulars. Consult index for agitated fear of aconite, melancholy of
muriatic, priapic pulsatilla. Virag is going to talk about amputation. Our
old friend caustic. They must be starved. Snip off with horsehair under the
denned neck. But, to change the venue to the Bulgar and the Basque, have
you made up your mind whether you like or dislike women in male
habiliments? (with a dry snigger) You intended to devote an entire year to
the study of the religious problem and the summer months of 1886 to
square the circle and win that million. Pomegranate! From the sublime to
the ridiculous is but a step. Pyjamas, let us say? Or stockingette gussetted



knickers, closed? Or, put we the case, those complicated combinations,
camiknickers? (he crows derisively) Keekeereekee!



BLOOM

I wanted then to have now concluded. Nightdress was never. Hence this.
But tomorrow is a new day will be. Past was is today. What now is will then
morrow as now was be past yester.

VIRAG

(prompts in a pig's whisper) Insects of the day spend their brief existence
in reiterated coition, lured by the smell of the inferiorly pulchritudinous
fumale possessing extendified pudendal nerve in dorsal region. Pretty Poll!
(his yellow parrotbeak gabbles nasally) They had a proverb in the
Carpathians in or about the year five thousand five hundred and fifty of our
era. One tablespoonful of honey will attract friend Bruin more than half a
dozen barrels of first choice malt vinegar. Bear's buzz bothers bees. But of
this apart. At another time we may resume. We were very pleased, we
others. (he coughs and, bending his brow, rubs his nose thoughtfully with a
scooping hand
) You shall find that these night insects follow the light. An
illusion for remember their complex unadjustable eye. For all these knotty
points see the seventeenth book of my Fundamentals of Sexology or the
Love Passion which Doctor L. B. says is the book sensation of the year.
Some, to example, there are again whose movements are automatic.
Perceive. That is his appropriate sun. Nightbird nightsun nighttown. Chase
me, Charley! (he blows into Bloom's ear) Buzz!

BLOOM

Bee or bluebottle too other day butting shadow on wall dazed self then me
wandered dazed down shirt good job I ....

VIRAG

(his face impassive, laughs in a rich feminine key) Splendid! Spanish fly in
his fly or mustard plaster on his dibble. (he gobbles gluttonously with
turkey wattles
) Bubbly jock! Bubbly jock! Where are we? Open Sesame!
Cometh forth! (he unrolls his parchment rapidly and reads, his
glowworm's nose running backwards over the letters which he claws
) Stay,
good friend. I bring thee thy answer. Redbank oysters will shortly be upon
us. I'm the best o'cook. Those succulent bivalves may help us and the
truffles of Perigord, tubers dislodged through mister omnivorous porker,
were unsurpassed in cases of nervous debility or viragitis. Though they
stink yet they sting. (he wags his head with cackling raillery) Jocular. With
my eyeglass in my ocular. (he sneezes) Amen!


BLOOM

(absently) Ocularly woman's bivalve case is worse. Always open sesame.
The cloven sex. Why they fear vermin, creeping things. Yet Eve and the
serpent contradicts. Not a historical fact. Obvious analogy to my idea.
Serpents too are gluttons for woman's milk. Wind their way through miles
of omnivorous forest to sucksucculent her breast dry. Like those
bubblyjocular Roman matrons one reads of in Elephantuliasis.

VIRAG

(his mouth projected in hard wrinkles, eyes stonily forlornly closed, psalms
in outlandish monotone
) That the cows with their those distended udders
that they have been the the known ....

BLOOM

I am going to scream. I beg your pardon. Ah? So. (he repeats)
Spontaneously to seek out the saurian's lair in order to entrust their teats to
his avid suction. Ant milks aphis. (profoundly) Instinct rules the world. In
life. In death.

VIRAG

(head askew, arches his back and hunched wingshoulders, peers at the
moth out of blear bulged eyes, points a horning claw and cries
) Who's
moth moth? Who's dear Gerald? Dear Ger, that you? O dear, he is Gerald.
O, I much fear he shall be most badly burned. Will some pleashe pershon
not now impediment so catastrophics mit agitation of firstclass
tablenumpkin? (he mews) Puss puss puss puss! (he sighs, draws back and
stares sideways down with dropping underjaw
) Well, well. He doth rest
anon. (he snaps his jaws suddenly on the air)

THE MOTH

Pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty pretty petticoats.


HENRY

(in a low dulcet voice, touching the strings of his guitar) There is a flower
that bloometh.



STEPHEN

(to himself) Play with your eyes shut. Imitate pa. Filling my belly with
husks of swine. Too much of this. I will arise and go to my. Expect this is
the. Steve, thou art in a parlous way. Must visit old Deasy or telegraph. Our
interview of this morning has left on me a deep impression. Though our
ages. Will write fully tomorrow. I'm partially drunk, by the way. (he
touches the keys again
) Minor chord comes now. Yes. Not much however.

ARTIFONI

Ci rifletta. Lei rovina tutto.

FLORRY

Sing us something. Love's old sweet song.

STEPHEN

No voice. I am a most finished artist. Lynch, did I show you the letter about
the lute?

FLORRY

(smirking) The bird that can sing and won't sing.

 


PHILIP SOBER

Take a fool's advice. All is not well. Work it out with the buttend of a pencil,
like a good young idiot. Three pounds twelve you got, two notes, one
sovereign, two crowns, if youth but knew. Mooney's en ville, Mooney's sur
mer, the Moira, Larchet's, Holles street hospital, Burke's. Eh? I am
watching you.

PHILIP DRUNK

(impatiently) Ah, bosh, man. Go to hell! I paid my way. If I could only
find out about octaves. Reduplication of personality. Who was it told me his
name? (his lawnmower begins to purr) Aha, yes. Zoe mou sas agapo. Have
a notion I was here before. When was it not Atkinson his card I have
somewhere. Mac Somebody. Unmack I have it. He told me about, hold on,
Swinburne, was it, no?

FLORRY

And the song?

STEPHEN

Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

FLORRY

Are you out of Maynooth? You're like someone I knew once.

STEPHEN

Out of it now. (to himself) Clever.

PHILIP DRUNK AND PHILIP SOBER

(their lawnmowers purring with a rigadoon of grasshalms) Clever ever.
Out of it out of it. By the bye have you the book, the thing, the ashplant?
Yes, there it, yes. Cleverever outofitnow. Keep in condition. Do like us.

ZOE

There was a priest down here two nights ago to do his bit of business with
his coat buttoned up. You needn't try to hide, I says to him. I know you've a
Roman collar.

VIRAG

Perfectly logical from his standpoint. Fall of man. (harshly, his pupils
waxing
) To hell with the pope! Nothing new under the sun. I am the Virag
who disclosed the Sex Secrets of Monks and Maidens. Why I left the church
of Rome. Read the Priest, the Woman and the Confessional. Penrose.
Flipperty Jippert. (he wriggles) Woman, undoing with sweet pudor her belt


of rushrope, offers her allmoist yoni to man's lingam. Short time after man
presents woman with pieces of jungle meat. Woman shows joy and covers
herself with featherskins. Man loves her yoni fiercely with big lingam, the
stiff one. (he cries) Coactus volui. Then giddy woman will run about.
Strong man grapses woman's wrist. Woman squeals, bites, spucks. Man,
now fierce angry, strikes woman's fat yadgana. (he chases his tail)
Piffpaff! Popo! (he stops, sneezes) Pchp! (he worries his butt) Prrrrrht!

LYNCH

I hope you gave the good father a penance. Nine glorias for shooting a
bishop.

ZOE

(spouts walrus smoke through her nostrils) He couldn't get a connection.
Only, you know, sensation. A dry rush.

BLOOM

Poor man!

ZOE

(lightly) Only for what happened him.

BLOOM

How?

VIRAG

(A diabolic rictus of black luminosity contracting his visage, cranes his
scraggy neck forward. He lifts a mooncalf nozzle and howls.) Verfluchte
Goim!
He had a father, forty fathers. He never existed. Pig God! He had
two left feet. He was Judas Iacchia, a Libyan eunuch, the pope's bastard.
(he leans out on tortured forepaws, elbows bent rigid, his eye agonising in
his flat skullneck and yelps over the mute world
) A son of a whore.
Apocalypse.

KITTY

And Mary Shortall that was in the lock with the pox she got from Jimmy
Pidgeon in the blue caps had a child off him that couldn't swallow and was
smothered with the convulsions in the mattress and we all subscribed for
the funeral.


PHILIP DRUNK

(gravely) Qui vous a mis dans cette fichue position, Philippe?

PHILIP SOBER

(gaily) C'etait le sacré pigeon, Philippe.

LYNCH

(laughs) And to such delights has Metchnikoff inoculated anthropoid apes.

FLORRY

(nods) Locomotor ataxy.

ZOE

(gaily) O, my dictionary.

LYNCH

Three wise virgins.

VIRAG

(agueshaken, profuse yellow spawn foaming over his bony epileptic lips)
She sold lovephiltres, whitewax, orangeflower. Panther, the Roman
centurion, polluted her with his genitories. (he sticks out a flickering
phosphorescent scorpion tongue, his hand on his fork
) Messiah! He burst
her tympanum. (with gibbering baboon's cries he jerks his hips in the
cynical spasm
) Hik! Hek! Hak! Hok! Huk! Kok! Kuk!

(Ben Jumbo Dollard, rubicund, musclebound, hairynostrilled,
hugebearded, cabbageeared, shaggychested, shockmaned, fat-
papped, stands forth, his loins and genitals tightened into a pair
of black bathing bagslops.)

BEN DOLLARD

(nakkering castanet bones in his huge padded paws, yodels jovially in base
barreltone
) When love absorbs my ardent soul.


THE VIRGINS

(gushingly) Big Ben! Ben my Chree!

A VOICE

Hold that fellow with the bad breeches.

BEN DOLLARD

(smites his thigh in abundant laughter) Hold him now.

HENRY

(caressing on his breast a severed female head, murmurs) Thine heart,
mine love. (he plucks his lutestrings) When first I saw ...

VIRAG

(sloughing his skins, his multitudinous plumage moulting) Rats! (he
yawns, showing a coalblack throat, and closes his jaws by an upward push
of his parchmentroll
) After having said which I took my departure.
Farewell. Fare thee well. Dreck!

(Henry Flower combs his moustache and beard rapidly with a
pocketcomb and gives a cow's lick to his hair. Steered by his rapier,
he glides to the door, his wild harp slung behind him. Virag reaches
the door in two ungainly stilthops, his tail cocked, and deftly claps
sideways on the wall a pusyellow flybill, butting it with his head.)

THE FLYBILL

K. II. Post No Bills. Strictly confidential. Dr Hy Franks.

HENRY

All is lost now.

(Virag unscrews his head in a trice and holds it under his arm.)

VIRAG'S HEAD

Quack!

(Exeunt severally.)

STEPHEN

(over his shoulder to Zoe) You would have preferred the fighting parson
who founded the protestant error. But beware Antisthenes, the dog sage,
and the last end of Arius Heresiarchus. The agony in the closet.


LYNCH

All one and the same God to her.

STEPHEN

(devoutly) And sovereign Lord of all things.

FLORRY

(to Stephen) I'm sure you're a spoiled priest. Or a monk.

LYNCH

He is. A cardinal's son.

STEPHEN

Cardinal sin. Monks of the screw.

(His Eminence Simon Stephen cardinal Dedalus, primate of all
Ireland, appears in the doorway, dressed in red soutane, sandals
and socks Seven dwarf simian acolytes, also in red, cardinal sins,
uphold his train, peeping under it He wears a battered silk hat
sideways on his head. His thumbs are stuck in his armpits and his
palms outspread. Round his neck hangs a rosary of corks ending on
his breast in a corkscrew cross. Releasing his thumbs, he invokes
grace from on high with large wave gestures and proclaims with
bloated pomp:)

THE CARDINAL


I'm suffering the agony of the damned. By the hoky fiddle, thanks be to
Jesus those funny little chaps are not unanimous. If they were they'd walk
me off the face of the bloody globe.

THE DOORHANDLE

Theeee!

ZOE

The devil is in that door.

ZOE

(sniffs his hair briskly) Hmmm! Thank your mother for the rabbits. I'm
very fond of what I like.

BLOOM

(hearing a male voice in talk with the whores on the doorstep, pricks his
ears
) If it were he? After? Or because not? Or the double event?

ZOE

(tears open the silverfoil) Fingers was made before forks. (she breaks off
and nibbles a piece gives a piece to Kitty Ricketts and then turns kittenishly
to Lynch
) No objection to French lozenges? (He nods. She taunts him.)
Have it now or wait till you get it? (He opens his mouth, his head cocked.
She whirls the prize in left circle. His head follows. She whirls it back in
right circle. He eyes her.
) Catch!


KITTY

(chewing) The engineer I was with at the bazaar does have lovely ones.
Full of the best liqueurs. And the viceroy was there with his lady. The gas
we had on the Toft's hobbyhorses. I'm giddy still.

BLOOM

(In Svengali's fur overcoat, with folded arms and Napoleonic forelock,
frowns in ventriloquial exorcism with piercing eagle glance towards the
door. Then rigid with left foot advanced he makes a swift pass with
impelling fingers and gives the sign of past master, drawing his right arm
downwards from his left shoulder
.) Go, go, go, I conjure you, whoever you
are!

BLOOM

(solemnly) Thanks.

ZOE

Do as you're bid. Here!

BLOOM

(takes the chocolate) Aphrodisiac? Tansy and pennyroyal. But I bought it.
Vanilla calms or? Mnemo. Confused light confuses memory. Red influences
lupus. Colours affect women's characters, any they have. This black makes
me sad. Eat and be merry for tomorrow. (he eats) Influence taste too,
mauve. But it is so long since I. Seems new. Aphro. That priest. Must come.
Better late than never. Try truffles at Andrews.


 



BELLA

My word! I'm all of a mucksweat.

(She glances round her at the couples Then her eyes rest on Bloom
with hard insistence. Her large fan winnows wind towards her
heated faceneck and embonpoint. Her falcon eyes glitter.)

THE FAN

(flirting quickly, then slowly) Married, I see.

BLOOM

Yes. Partly, I have mislaid.....

THE FAN

(half opening, then closing) And the missus is master. Petticoat
government.

BLOOM

(looks down with a sheepish grin) That is so.

THE FAN

(folding together, rests against her left eardrop) Have you forgotten me?

BLOOM

Nes. Yo.

THE FAN

(folded akimbo against her waist) Is me her was you dreamed before? Was
then she him you us since knew? Am all them and the same now me?

(Bella approaches, gently tapping with the fan.)

BLOOM

(wincing) Powerful being. In my eyes read that slumber which women
love.

THE FAN

(tapping) We have met. You are mine. It is fate.

BLOOM

(cowed) Exuberant female. Enormously I desiderate your domination. I
am exhausted, abandoned, no more young. I stand, so to speak, with an
unposted letter bearing the extra regulation fee before the too late box of the
general postoffice of human life. The door and window open at a right



angle cause a draught of thirtytwo feet per second according to the law of
falling bodies. I have felt this instant a twinge of sciatica in my left glutear
muscle. It runs in our family. Poor dear papa, a widower, was a regular
barometer from it. He believed in animal heat. A skin of tabby lined his
winter waistcoat. Near the end, remembering king David and the Sunamite,
he shared his bed with Athos, faithful after death. A dog's spittle as you
probably.... (he winces) Ah!

RICHIE GOULDING

(bagweighted, passes the door) Mocking is catch. Best value in Dub. Fit for
a prince's. Liver and kidney.

THE FAN

(tapping) All things end. Be mine. Now,

BLOOM

(undecided) All now? I should not have parted with my talisman. Rain,
exposure at dewfall on the searocks, a peccadillo at my time of life. Every
phenomenon has a natural cause.

THE FAN

(points downwards slowly) You may.

BLOOM

(looks downwards and perceives her unfastened bootlace) We are
observed.

THE FAN

(points downwards quickly) You must.

BLOOM

(with desire, with reluctance) I can make a true black knot. Learned when
I served my time and worked the mail order line for Kellett's. Experienced
hand. Every knot says a lot. Let me. In courtesy. I knelt once before today.

(Bella raises her gown slightly and, steadying her pose, lifts to the
edge of a chair a plump buskined hoof and a full pastern,
silksocked. Bloom, stifflegged, aging, bends over her hoof and with
gentle fingers draws out and in her laces.)



BLOOM

(murmurs lovingly) To be a shoefitter in Manfield's was my love's young
dream, the darling joys of sweet buttonhooking, to lace up crisscrossed to
kneelength the dressy kid footwear satinlined, so incredibly impossibly
small, of Clyde Road ladies. Even their wax model Raymonde I visited daily
to admire her cobweb hose and stick of rhubarb toe, as worn in Paris.

THE HOOF

Smell my hot goathide. Feel my royal weight.

BLOOM

(crosslacing) Too tight?

THE HOOF

If you bungle, Handy Andy, I'll kick your football for you.

BLOOM

Not to lace the wrong eyelet as I did the night of the bazaar dance. Bad
luck. Hook in wrong tache of her .... person you mentioned. That night she
met.... Now!

(He knots the lace. Bella places her foot on the floor. Bloom raises
his head. Her heavy face, her eyes strike him in midbrow. His eyes
grow dull, darker and pouched, his nose thickens.)

BLOOM

(mumbles) Awaiting your further orders we remain, gentlemen, ....

BELLO

(with a hard basilisk stare, in a baritone voice) Hound of dishonour!

BLOOM

(infatuated) Empress!

BELLO

(his heavy cheekchops sagging) Adorer of the adulterous rump!

BLOOM

(plaintively) Hugeness!


BELLO

Dungdevourer!

BLOOM

(with sinews semiflexed) Magmagnificence!

BELLO

Down! (he taps her on the shoulder with his fan) Incline feet forward!
Slide left foot one pace back! You will fall. You are falling. On the hands
down!

BLOOM

(her eyes upturned in the sign of admiration, closing, yaps) Truffles!

(With a piercing epileptic cry she sinks on all fours, grunting,
snuffling, rooting at his feet: then lies, shamming dead, with eyes
shut tight, trembling eyelids, bowed upon the ground in the attitude
of most excellent master.)

BELLO

(with bobbed hair, purple gills, fit moustache rings round his shaven
mouth, in mountaineer's puttees, green silverbuttoned coat, sport skirt and
alpine hat with moorcock's feather, his hands stuck deep in his breeches
pockets, places his heel on her neck and grinds it in
) Footstool! Feel my
entire weight. Bow, bondslave, before the throne of your despot's glorious
heels so glistening in their proud erectness.

BLOOM

(enthralled, bleats) I promise never to disobey.

BELLO

(laughs loudly) Holy smoke! You little know what's in store for you. I'm
the Tartar to settle your little lot and break you in! I'll bet Kentucky
cocktails all round I shame it out of you, old son. Cheek me, I dare you. If
you do tremble in anticipation of heel discipline to be inflicted in gym
costume.

ZOE

(widening her slip to screen her) She's not here.


BLOOM

(closing her eyes) She's not here.

FLORRY

(hiding her with her gown) She didn't mean it, Mr Bello. She'll be good,
sir.

KITTY

Don't be too hard on her, Mr Bello. Sure you won't, ma'amsir.

BELLO

(coaxingly) Come, ducky dear, I want a word with you, darling, just to
administer correction. Just a little heart to heart talk, sweety. (Bloom puts
out her timid head
) There's a good girly now. (Bello grabs her hair
violently and drags her forward
) I only want to correct you for your own
good on a soft safe spot. How's that tender behind? O, ever so gently, pet.
Begin to get ready.

BLOOM

(fainting) Don't tear my ...

BELLO

(savagely) The nosering, the pliers, the bastinado, the hanging hook, the
knout I'll make you kiss while the flutes play like the Nubian slave of old.
You're in for it this time! I'll make you remember me for the balance of
your natural life. (his forehead veins swollen, his face congested) I shall sit
on your ottoman saddleback every morning after my thumping good
breakfast of Matterson's fat hamrashers and a bottle of Guinness's porter.
(he belches) And suck my thumping good Stock Exchange cigar while I
read the Licensed Victualler's Gazette. Very possibly I shall have you
slaughtered and skewered in my stables and enjoy a slice of you with crisp
crackling from the baking tin basted and baked like sucking pig with rice
and lemon or currant sauce. It will hurt you. (He twists her arm. Bloom
squeals, turning turtle.)

BLOOM

Don't be cruel, nurse! Don't!

BELLO

(twisting) Another!


BLOOM

(screams) O, it's hell itself! Every nerve in my body aches like mad!

BELLO

(shouts) Good, by the rumping jumping general! That's the best bit of
news I heard these six weeks. Here, don't keep me waiting, damn you! (he
slaps her face)

BLOOM

(whimpers) You're after hitting me. I'll tell ....

BELLO

Hold him down, girls, till I squat on him.

ZOE

Yes. Walk on him! I will.

FLORRY

I will. Don't be greedy.

KITTY

No, me. Lend him to me.

MRS KEOGH

(ferociously) Can I help?

BELLO

(squats with a grunt on Bloom's upturned face, puffing cigarsmoke,
nursing a fat leg
) I see Keating Clay is elected vicechairman of the
Richmond asylum and by the by Guinness's preference shares are at sixteen
three quaffers. Curse me for a fool that didn't buy that lot Craig and
Gardner told me about. Just my infernal luck, curse it. And that
Goddamned outsider Throwaway at twenty to one. (he quenches his cigar
angrily on Bloom's ear
) Where's that Goddamned cursed ashtray?


BLOOM

(goaded, buttocksmothered) O! O! Monsters! Cruel one!

BELLO

Ask for that every ten minutes. Beg. Pray for it as you never prayed before.
(he thrusts out a figged fist and foul cigar) Here, kiss that. Both. Kiss. (he
throws a leg astride and, pressing with horseman's knees, calls in a hard
voice
) Gee up! A cockhorse to Banbury cross. I'll ride him for the Eclipse
stakes. (he bends sideways and squeezes his mount's testicles roughly,
shouting
) Ho! Off we pop! I'll nurse you in proper fashion. (he horserides
cockhorse, leaping in the, in the saddle
) The lady goes a pace a pace and
the coachman goes a trot a trot and the gentleman goes a gallop a gallop a
gallop a gallop.

FLORRY

(pulls at Bello) Let me on him now. You had enough. I asked before you.

ZOE

(pulling at Florry) Me. Me. Are you not finished with him yet, suckeress?

BLOOM

(stifling) Can't.

BELLO

Well, I'm not. Wait. (he holds in his breath) Curse it. Here. This bung's
about burst. (he uncorks himself behind: then, contorting his features, farts
stoutly
) Take that! (he recorks himself) Yes, by Jingo, sixteen three
quarters.

BLOOM

(a sweat breaking out over him) Not man. (he sniffs) Woman.

BELLO

(stands up) No more blow hot and cold. What you longed for has come to
pass. Henceforth you are unmanned and mine in earnest, a thing under the
yoke. Now for your punishment frock. You will shed your male garments,
you understand, Ruby Cohen? and don the shot silk luxuriously rustling
over head and shoulders. And quickly too!

BLOOM

(shrinks) Silk, mistress said! O crinkly! scrapy! Must I tiptouch it with my
nails?


BELLO

(points to his whores) As they are now so will you be, wigged, singed,
perfumesprayed, ricepowdered, with smoothshaven armpits. Tape
measurements will be taken next your skin. You will be laced with cruel
force into vicelike corsets of soft dove coutille with whalebone busk to the
diamondtrimmed pelvis, the absolute outside edge, while your figure,
plumper than when at large, will be restrained in nettight frocks, pretty two
ounce petticoats and fringes and things stamped, of course, with my
houseflag, creations of lovely lingerie for Alice and nice scent for Alice.
Alice will feel the pullpull.Martha and Mary will be a little chilly at first in
such delicate thighcasing but the frilly flimsiness of lace round your bare
knees will remind you .....

BLOOM

(charming soubrette with dauby cheeks, mustard hair and large male
hands and nose, leering mouth
) I tried her things on only twice, a small
prank, in Holles street. When we were hard up I washed them to save the
laundry bill. My own shirts I turned. It was the purest thrift.

BELLO

(jeers) Little jobs that make mother pleased, eh? And showed off
coquettishly in your domino at the mirror behind closedrawn blinds your
unskirted thighs and hegoat's udders in various poses of surrender, eh?
Ho! ho! I have to laugh! That secondhand black operatop shift and short
trunkleg naughties all split up the stitches at her last rape that Mrs Miriam
Dandrade sold you from the Shelbourne hotel, eh?

BLOOM

Miriam. Black. Demimondaine.

BELLO

(guffaws) Christ Almighty it's too tickling, this! You were a nicelooking
Miriam when you clipped off your backgate hairs and lay swooning in the
thing across the bed as Mrs Dandrade about to be violated by lieutenant
Smythe-Smythe, Mr Philip Augustus Blockwell M. P., signor Laci Daremo,
the robust tenor, blueeyed Bert, the liftboy, Henri Fleury of Gordon
Bennett fame, Sheridan, the quadroon Croesus, the varsity wetbob eight
from old Trinity, Ponto, her splendid Newfoundland and Bobs, dowager
duchess of Manorhamilton. (he guffaws again) Christ, wouldn't it make a
Siamese cat laugh?


BLOOM

(her hands and features working) It was Gerald converted me to be a true
corsetlover when I was female impersonator in the High School play Vice
Versa. It was dear Gerald. He got that kink, fascinated by sister's stays.
Now dearest Gerald uses pinky greasepaint and gilds his eyelids. Cult of
the beautiful.

BELLO

(with wicked glee) Beautiful! Give us a breather! When you took your seat
with womanish care, lifting your billowy flounces, on the smoothworn
throne.

BLOOM

Science. To compare the various joys we each enjoy. (earnestly) And really
it's better the position .... because often I used to wet ....

BELLO

(sternly) No insubordination! The sawdust is there in the corner for you. I
gave you strict instructions, didn't I? Do it standing, sir! I'll teach you to
behave like a jinkleman! If I catch a trace on your swaddles. Aha! By the
ass of the Dorans you'll find I'm a martinet. The sins of your past are rising
against you. Many. Hundreds.

THE SINS OF THE PAST

(in a medley of voices) He went through a form of clandestine marriage
with at least one woman in the shadow of the Black church. Unspeakable
messages he telephoned mentally to Miss Dunn at an address in D'Olier
street while he presented himself indecently to the instrument in the callbox.
By word and deed he frankly encouraged a nocturnal strumpet to deposit
fecal and other matter in an unsanitary outhouse attached to empty
premises. In five public conveniences he wrote pencilled messages offering
his nuptial partner to all strongmembered males. And by the offensively
smelling vitriol works did he not pass night after night by loving courting
couples to see if and what and how much he could see? Did he not lie in
bed, the gross boar, gloating over a nauseous fragment of wellused toilet
paper presented to him by a nasty harlot, stimulated by gingerbread and a
postal order?

BELLO

(whistles loudly) Say! What was the most revolting piece of obscenity in all
your career of crime? Go the whole hog. Puke it out! Be candid for once.


BLOOM

Don't ask me! Our mutual faith. Pleasants street. I only thought the half of
the ... I swear on my sacred oath ....

BELLO

(peremptorily) Answer. Repugnant wretch! I insist on knowing. Tell me
something to amuse me, smut or a bloody good ghoststory or a line of
poetry, quick, quick, quick! Where? How? What time? With how many? I
give you just three seconds. One! Two! Thr .....

BLOOM

(docile, gurgles) I rererepugnosed in rerererepugnant

BELLO

(imperiously) O, get out, you skunk! Hold your tongue! Speak when
you're spoken to.

BLOOM

(bows) Master! Mistress! Mantamer!

BELLO

(satirically) By day you will souse and bat our smelling underclothes also
when we ladies are unwell, and swab out our latrines with dress pinned up
and a dishclout tied to your tail. Won't that be nice? (he places a ruby ring
on her finger
) And there now! With this ring I thee own. Say, thank you,
mistress.

BLOOM

Thank you, mistress.

BELLO

You will make the beds, get my tub ready, empty the pisspots in the different
rooms, including old Mrs Keogh's the cook's, a sandy one. Ay, and rinse
the seven of them well, mind, or lap it up like champagne. Drink me piping
hot. Hop! You will dance attendance or I'll lecture you on your misdeeds,
Miss Ruby, and spank your bare bot right well, miss, with the hairbrush.
You'll be taught the error of your ways. At night your wellcreamed
braceletted hands will wear fortythreebutton gloves newpowdered with talc
and having delicately scented fingertips. For such favours knights of old


laid down their lives. (he chuckles) My boys will be no end charmed to see
you so ladylike, the colonel, above all, when they come here the night before
the wedding to fondle my new attraction in gilded heels. First I'll have a go
at you myself. A man I know on the turf named Charles Alberta Marsh (I
was in bed with him just now and another gentleman out of the Hanaper
and Petty Bag office) is on the lookout for a maid of all work at a short
knock. Swell the bust. Smile. Droop shoulders. What offers? (he points)
For that lot. Trained by owner to fetch and carry, basket in mouth. (he
bares his arm and plunges it elbowdeep in Bloom's vulva
) There's fine
depth for you! What, boys? That give you a hardon? (he shoves his arm in
a bidder's face
) Here wet the deck and wipe it round!

A BIDDER

A florin.

THE LACQUEY

Barang!

A VOICE

One and eightpence too much.

CHARLES ALBERTA MARSH

Must be virgin. Good breath. Clean.

BELLO

(gives a rap with his gavel) Two bar. Rockbottom figure and cheap at the
price. Fourteen hands high. Touch and examine shis points. Handle hrim.
This downy skin, these soft muscles, this tender flesh. If I had only my gold
piercer here! And quite easy to milk. Three newlaid gallons a day. A pure
stockgetter, due to lay within the hour. His sire's milk record was a
thousand gallons of whole milk in forty weeks. Whoa my jewel! Beg up!
Whoa! (he brands his initial C on Bloom's croup) So! Warranted Cohen!
What advance on two bob, gentlemen?

A DARKVISAGED MAN

(in disguised accent) Hoondert punt sterlink.

VOICES

(subdued) For the Caliph. Haroun Al Raschid.



BELLO

(gaily) Right. Let them all come. The scanty, daringly short skirt, riding up
at the knee to show a peep of white pantalette, is a potent weapon and
transparent stockings, emeraldgartered, with the long straight seam trailing
up beyond the knee, appeal to the better instincts of the blase man about
town. Learn the smooth mincing walk on four inch Louis Quinze heels, the
Grecian bend with provoking croup, the thighs fluescent, knees modestly
kissing. Bring all your powers of fascination to bear on them. Pander to
their Gomorrahan vices.

BLOOM

(bends his blushing face into his armpit and simpers with forefinger in
mouth
) O, I know what you're hinting at now!

BELLO

What else are you good for, an impotent thing like you? (he stoops and,
peering, pokes with his fan rudely under the fat suet folds of Bloom's
haunches
) Up! Up! Manx cat! What have we here? Where's your curly
teapot gone to or who docked it on you, cockyolly? Sing, birdy, sing. It's as
limp as a boy of six's doing his pooly behind a cart. Buy a bucket or sell
your pump. (loudly) Can you do a man's job?

BLOOM

Eccles street....

BELLO

(sarcastically) I wouldn't hurt your feelings for the world but there's a
man of brawn in possession there. The tables are turned, my gay young
fellow! He is something like a fullgrown outdoor man. Well for you, you
muff, if you had that weapon with knobs and lumps and warts all over it.
He shot his bolt, I can tell you! Foot to foot, knee to knee, belly to belly,
bubs to breast! He's no eunuch. A shock of red hair he has sticking out of
him behind like a furzebush! Wait for nine months, my lad! Holy ginger,
it's kicking and coughing up and down in her guts already! That makes
you wild, don't it? Touches the spot? (he spits in contempt) Spittoon!

BLOOM

I was indecently treated, I ..... Inform the police. Hundred pounds.
Unmentionable. I ....


BELLO

Would if you could, lame duck. A downpour we want not your drizzle.

BLOOM

To drive me mad! Moll! I forgot! Forgive! Moll .... We .... Still .....

BELLO

(ruthlessly) No, Leopold Bloom, all is changed by woman's will since you
slept horizontal in Sleepy Hollow your night of twenty years. Return and see.

SLEEPY HOLLOW

Rip van Wink! Rip van Winkle!

BLOOM

(in tattered mocassins with a rusty fowlingpiece, tiptoeing, fingertipping,
his haggard bony bearded face peering through the diamond panes, cries
out
) I see her! It's she! The first night at Mat Dillon's! But that dress, the
green! And her hair is dyed gold and he ....

BELLO

(laughs mockingly) That's your daughter, you owl, with a Mullingar
student.

MILLY

My! It's Papli! But, O Papli, how old you've grown!

BELLO

Changed, eh? Our whatnot, our writingtable where we never wrote, aunt
Hegarty's armchair, our classic reprints of old masters. A man and his
menfriends are living there in clover. The Cuckoos' Rest! Why not? How
many women had you, eh, following them up dark streets, flatfoot, exciting
them by your smothered grunts, what, you male prostitute? Blameless
dames with parcels of groceries. Turn about. Sauce for the goose, my
gander O.


BLOOM

They.... I ....

BELLO

(cuttingly) Their heelmarks will stamp the Brusselette carpet you bought at
Wren's auction. In their horseplay with Moll the romp to find the buck flea
in her breeches they will deface the little statue you carried home in the rain
for art for art' sake. They will violate the secrets of your bottom drawer.
Pages will be torn from your handbook of astronomy to make them
pipespills. And they will spit in your ten shilling brass fender from
Hampton Leedom's.

BLOOM

Ten and six. The act of low scoundrels. Let me go. I will return. I will
prove ...

A VOICE

Swear!

BELLO

As a paying guest or a kept man? Too late. You have made your secondbest
bed and others must lie in it. Your epitaph is written. You are down and out
and don't you forget it, old bean.

BLOOM

Justice! All Ireland versus one! Has nobody ...? (he bites his thumb)

BELLO

Die and be damned to you if you have any sense of decency or grace about
you. I can give you a rare old wine that'll send you skipping to hell and
back. Sign a will and leave us any coin you have! If you have none see you
damn well get it, steal it, rob it! We'll bury you in our shrubbery jakes
where you'll be dead and dirty with old Cuck Cohen, my stepnephew I
married, the bloody old gouty procurator and sodomite with a crick in his
neck, and my other ten or eleven husbands, whatever the buggers' names
were, suffocated in the one cesspool. (he explodes in a loud phlegmy laugh)
We'll manure you, Mr Flower! (he pipes scoffingly) Byby, Poldy! Byby,
Papli!


BLOOM

(clasps his head) My willpower! Memory! I have sinned! I have suff.... (he
weeps tearlessly
)

BELLO

(sneers) Crybabby! Crocodile tears!

THE CIRCUMCISED

(in dark guttural chant as they cast dead sea fruit upon him, no flowers)
Shema Israel Adonai Elohenu Adonai Echad.

VOICES

(sighing) So he's gone. Ah yes. Yes, indeed. Bloom? Never heard of him.
No? Queer kind of chap. There's the widow. That so? Ah, yes.

THE YEWS

(their leaves whispering) Sister. Our sister. Ssh!

THE NYMPH

(softly) Mortal! (kindly) Nay, dost not weepest!

BLOOM

(crawls jellily forward under the boughs, streaked by sunlight, with
dignity
) This position. I felt it was expected of me. Force of habit.

THE NYMPH

Mortal! You found me in evil company, highkickers, coster picnicmakers,
pugilists, popular generals, immoral panto boys in fleshtights and the nifty
shimmy dancers, La Aurora and Karini, musical act, the hit of the century.
I was hidden in cheap pink paper that smelt of rock oil. I was surrounded



by the stale smut of clubmen, stories to disturb callow youth, ads for
transparencies, truedup dice and bustpads, proprietary articles and why
wear a truss with testimonial from ruptured gentleman. Useful hints to the
married.

BLOOM

(lifts a turtle head towards her lap) We have met before. On another star.

THE NYMPH

(sadly) Rubber goods. Neverrip brand as supplied to the aristocracy.
Corsets for men. I cure fits or money refunded. Unsolicited testimonials for
Professor Waldmann's wonderful chest exuber. My bust developed four
inches in three weeks, reports Mrs Gus Rublin with photo.

BLOOM

You mean Photo Bits?

THE NYMPH

I do. You bore me away, framed me in oak and tinsel, set me above your
marriage couch. Unseen, one summer eve, you kissed me in four places.
And with loving pencil you shaded my eyes, my bosom and my shame.

BLOOM

(humbly kisses her long hair) Your classic curves, beautiful immortal, I
was glad to look on you, to praise you, a thing of beauty, almost to pray.

THE NYMPH

During dark nights I heard your praise.

BLOOM

(quickly) Yes, yes. You mean that I.... Sleep reveals the worst side of
everyone, children perhaps excepted. I know I fell out of bed or rather was
pushed. Steel wine is said to cure snoring. For the rest there is that English
invention, pamphlet of which I received some days ago, incorrectly
addressed. It claims to afford a noiseless, inoffensive vent. (he sighs) 'Twas
ever thus. Frailty, thy name is marriage.

THE NYMPH

(her fingers in her ears) And words. They are not in my dictionary.



BLOOM

You understood them?

THE YEWS

Ssh!

THE NYMPH

(covers her face with her hands) What have I not seen in that chamber?
What must my eyes look down on?

BLOOM

(apologetically) I know. Soiled personal linen, wrong side up with care.
The quoits are loose. From Gibraltar by long sea long ago.

THE NYMPH

(bends her head) Worse, worse!

BLOOM

(reflects precautiously) That antiquated commode. It wasn't her weight.
She scaled just eleven stone nine. She put on nine pounds after weaning. It
was a crack and want of glue. Eh? And that absurd orangekeyed utensil
which has only one handle.

THE WATERFALL

THE YEWS

(mingling their boughs) Listen. Whisper. She is right, our sister. We grew
by Poulaphouca waterfall. We gave shade on languorous summer days.

JOHN WYSE NOLAN

(in the background, in Irish National Forester's uniform, doffs his plumed
hat
) Prosper! Give shade on languorous days, trees of Ireland!

THE YEWS

(murmuring) Who came to Poulaphouca with the High School excursion?
Who left his nutquesting classmates to seek our shade?



BLOOM

(scared) High School of Poula? Mnemo? Not in full possession of
faculties. Concussion. Run over by tram.

THE ECHO

Sham!

BLOOM

(pigeonbreasted, bottleshouldered, padded, in nondescript juvenile grey
and black striped suit, too small for him, white tennis shoes, bordered
stockings with turnover tops and a red schoolcap with badge
) I was in my
teens, a growing boy. A little then sufficed, a jolting car, the mingling
odours of the ladies' cloakroom and lavatory, the throng penned tight on
the old Royal stairs (for they love crushes, instinct of the herd, and the dark
sexsmelling theatre unbridles vice
), even a pricelist of their hosiery. And
then the heat. There were sunspots that summer. End of school. And
tipsycake. Halcyon days.

THE HALCYON DAYS

Mackerel! Live us again. Hurray! (they cheer)

BLOOM

(hobbledehoy, warmgloved, mammamufflered, starred with spent
snowballs, struggles to rise
) Again! I feel sixteen! What a lark! Let's ring
all the bells in Montague street. (he cheers feebly) Hurray for the High
School!

THE ECHO

Fool!

THE YEWS

(rustling) She is right, our sister. Whisper. (Whispered kisses are heard in
all the wood. Faces of hamadryads peep out from the boles and among the
leaves and break, blossoming into bloom.
) Who profaned our silent shade?


THE NYMPH

(coyly, through parting fingers) There? In the open air?

THE YEWS

(sweeping downward) Sister, yes. And on our virgin sward.

THE WATERFALL

THE NYMPH

(with wide fingers) O, infamy!

BLOOM

I was precocious. Youth. The fauna. I sacrificed to the god of the forest.
The flowers that bloom in the spring. It was pairing time. Capillary
attraction is a natural phenomenon. Lotty Clarke, flaxenhaired, I saw at her
night toilette through illclosed curtains with poor papa's operaglasses: The
wanton ate grass wildly. She rolled downhill at Rialto bridge to tempt me
with her flow of animal spirits. She climbed their crooked tree and I. A saint
couldn't resist it. The demon possessed me. Besides, who saw?

STAGGERING BOB

(large teardrops rolling from his prominent eyes, snivels) Me. Me see.

BLOOM

Simply satisfying a need I... (with pathos) No girl would when I went
girling. Too ugly. They wouldn't play ....

THE NANNYGOAT

(bleats) Megeggaggegg! Nannannanny!

BLOOM

(hatless, flushed, covered with burrs of thistledown and gorsespine)
Regularly engaged. Circumstances alter cases. (he gazes intently
downwards on the water
) Thirtytwo head over heels per second. Press
nightmare. Giddy Elijah. Fall from cliff. Sad end of government printer's
clerk.


THE DUMMYMUMMY

Bbbbblllllblblblblobschb!

COUNCILLOR NANNETII

(alone on deck, in dark alpaca, yellowkitefaced, his hand in his waistcoat
opening, declaims
) When my country takes her place among the nations of
the earth, then, and not till then, let my epitaph be written. I have ...

BLOOM

Done. Prff!

THE NYMPH

(loftily) We immortals, as you saw today, have not such a place and no hair
there either. We are stonecold and pure. We eat electric light. (she arches
her body in lascivious crispation, placing her forefinger in her mouth
)
Spoke to me. Heard from behind. How then could you ...?

BLOOM

(pawing the heather abjectly) O, I have been a perfect pig. Enemas too I
have administered. One third of a pint of quassia to which add a
tablespoonful of rocksalt. Up the fundament. With Hamilton Long's
syringe, the ladies' friend.

THE NYMPH

In my presence. The powderpuff. (she blushes and makes a knee) And the
rest!

BLOOM

(dejected) Yes. Peccavi! I have paid homage on that living altar where the
back changes name. (with sudden fervour) For why should the dainty
scented jewelled hand, the hand that rules ...?


THE VOICE OF KITTY

(in the thicket) Show us one of them cushions.

THE VOICE OF FLORRY

Here.

THE VOICE OF LYNCH

(in the thicket) Whew! Piping hot!

THE VOICE OF ZOE

(in the thicket) Came from a hot place.

THE VOICE OF VIRAG

(a birdchief, bluestreaked and feathered in war panoply with his assegai,
striding through a crackling canebrake over beechmast and acorns
) Hot!
Hot! Ware Sitting Bull!

BLOOM

It overpowers me. The warm impress of her warm form. Even to sit where a
woman has sat, especially with divaricated thighs, as though to grant the
last favours, most especially with previously well uplifted white sateen
coatpans. So womanly, full. It fills me full.

THE WATERFALL

THE YEWS

Ssh! Sister, speak!

THE NYMPH

(eyeless, in nun's white habit, coif and hugewinged wimple, softly, with
remote eyes
) Tranquilla convent. Sister Agatha. Mount Carmel. The
apparitions of Knock and Lourdes. No more desire. (she reclines her head,
sighing
) Only the ethereal. Where dreamy creamy gull waves o'er the
waters dull.


THE BUTTON

Bip!

THE SLUTS

BLOOM

(coldly) You have broken the spell. The last straw. If there were only
ethereal where would you all be, postulants and novices? Shy but willing
like an ass pissing.

THE YEWS

(their silverfoil of leaves precipitating, their skinny arms aging and
swaying
) Deciduously!

THE NYMPH

(her features hardening, gropes in the folds of her habit) Sacrilege! To
attempt my virtue! (a large moist stain appears on her robe) Sully my
innocence! You are not fit to touch the garment of a pure woman. (she
clutches again in her robe
) Wait. Satan, you'll sing no more lovesongs.
Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. (she draws a poniard and, clad in the
sheathmail of an elected knight of nine, strikes at his loins
) Nekum!

BLOOM

(starts up, seizes her hand) Hoy! Nebrakada! Cat o' nine lives! Fair play,
madam. No pruningknife. The fox and the grapes, is it? What do you lack
with your barbed wire? Crucifix not thick enough? (he clutches her veil) A
holy abbot you want or Brophy, the lame gardener, or the spoutless statue
of the watercarrier, or good mother Alphonsus, eh Reynard?

THE NYMPH

(with a cry flees from him unveiled, her plaster cast cracking, a cloud of
stench escaping from the cracks
) Poli ...!

BLOOM

(calls after her) As if you didn't get it on the double yourselves. No jerks
and multiple mucosities all over you. I tried it. Your strength our weakness.
What's our studfee? What will you pay on the nail? You fee mendancers on
the Riviera, I read. (the fleeing nymph raises a keen) Eh? I have sixteen



years of black slave labour behind me. And would a jury give me five
shillings alimony tomorrow, eh? Fool someone else, not me. (he sniffs) Rut.
Onions. Stale. Sulphur. Grease.

BELLA

You'll know me the next time.

BLOOM

(composed, regards her) Passée. Mutton dressed as lamb. Long in the
tooth and superfluous hair. A raw onion the last thing at night would
benefit your complexion. And take some double chin drill. Your eyes are as
vapid as the glasseyes of your stuffed fox. They have the dimensions of your
other features, that's all. I'm not a triple screw propeller.

BELLA

(contemptuously) You're not game, in fact. (her sowcunt barks)
Fbhracht!

BLOOM

(contemptuously) Clean your nailless middle finger first, your bully's cold
spunk is dripping from your cockscomb. Take a handful of hay and wipe
yourself.

BELLA

I know you, canvasser! Dead cod!

BLOOM

I saw him, kipkeeper! Pox and gleet vendor!

BELLA

(turns to the piano) Which of you was playing the dead march from Saul?

ZOE

Me. Mind your cornflowers. (she darts to the piano and bangs chords on it
with crossed arms
) The cat's ramble through the slag. (she glances back)
Eh? Who's making love to my sweeties? (she darts back to the table)
What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own.


BLOOM

(gently) Give me back that potato, will you?

ZOE

Forfeits, a fine thing and a superfine thing.

BLOOM

(with feeling) It is nothing, but still, a relic of poor mamma.

ZOE

BLOOM

There is a memory attached to it. I should like to have it.

STEPHEN

To have or not to have that is the question.

ZOE

Here. (she hauls up a reef of her slip, revealing her bare thigh, and unrolls
the potato from the top of her stocking
) Those that hides knows where to
find.

BELLA

(frowns) Here. This isn't a musical peepshow. And don't you smash that
piano. Who's paying here?

STEPHEN

(with exaggerated politeness) This silken purse I made out of the sow's ear
of the public. Madam, excuse me. If you allow me. (he indicates vaguely
Lynch and Bloom
) We are all in the same sweepstake, Kinch and Lynch.
Dans ce bordel où tenons nostre état.

LYNCH

(calls from the hearth) Dedalus! Give her your blessing for me.


STEPHEN

(hands Bella a coin) Gold. She has it.

BELLA

(looks at the money, then at Stephen, then at Zoe, Florry and Kitty) Do
you want three girls? It's ten shillings here.

STEPHEN

(delightedly) A hundred thousand apologies. (he fumbles again and takes
out and hands her two crowns
) Permit, brevi manu, my sight is somewhat
troubled.

FLORRY

(strives heavily to rise) Ow! My foot's asleep. (She limps over to the table.
Bloom approaches.)

BELLA, ZOE, KITTY, LYNCH, BLOOM

(chattering and squabbling) The gentleman... ten shillings.... paying for
the three... allow me a moment... this gentleman pays separate.... who's
touching it?... ow!... mind who you're pinching... are you staying the
night or a short time?... who did?... you're a liar, excuse me... the
gentleman paid down like a gentleman ... drink ... it's long after eleven.

STEPHEN

(at the pianola, making a gesture of abhorrence) No bottles! What, eleven?
A riddle!

ZOE

(lifting up her pettigown and folding a half sovereign into the top of her
stocking
) Hard earned on the flat of my back.

LYNCH

(lifting Kitty from the table) Come!

KITTY

Wait. (she clutches the two crowns)


FLORRY

And me?

LYNCH

Hoopla!

STEPHEN

BLOOM

(quietly lays a half sovereign on the table between Bella and Florry) So.
Allow me. (he takes up the poundnote) Three times ten. We're square.

BELLA

(admiringly) You're such a slyboots, old cocky. I could kiss you.

ZOE

(points) Him? Deep as a drawwell.



BLOOM

This is yours.

STEPHEN

How is that? The distrait or absentminded beggar. (He fumbles again in
his pocket and draws out a handful of coins. An object fills.
) That fell.

BLOOM

(stooping, picks up and hands a box of matches) This.

STEPHEN

Lucifer. Thanks.


BLOOM

(quietly) You had better hand over that cash to me to take care of. Why
pay more?

STEPHEN

(hands him all his coins) Be just before you are generous.

BLOOM

I will but is it wise? (he counts) One, seven, eleven, and five. Six. Eleven. I
don't answer for what you may have lost.

STEPHEN

Why striking eleven? Proparoxyton. Moment before the next Lessing says.
Thirsty fox. (he laughs loudly) Burying his grandmother. Probably he
killed her.

BLOOM

That is one pound six and eleven. One pound seven, say.

STEPHEN

Doesn't matter a rambling damn.

BLOOM

No, but....

STEPHEN

(comes to the table) Cigarette, please. (Lynch tosses a cigarette from the
sofa to the table
) And so Georgina Johnson is dead and married. (A
cigarette appears on the table. Stephen looks at it
) Wonder. Parlour
magic. Married. Hm. (he strikes a match and proceeds to light the cigarette
with enigmatic melancholy
)

LYNCH

(watching him) You would have a better chance of lighting it if you held
the match nearer.

STEPHEN

(brings the match near his eye) Lynx eye. Must get glasses. Broke them
yesterday. Sixteen years ago. Distance. The eye sees all flat. (He draws the
match away. It goes out.
) Brain thinks. Near: far. Ineluctable modality of
the visible. (he frowns mysteriously) Hm. Sphinx. The beast that has two
backs at midnight. Married.


ZOE

It was a commercial traveller married her and took her away with him.

FLORRY

(nods) Mr Lambe from London.

STEPHEN

Lamb of London, who takest away the sins of our world.

LYNCH

(embracing Kitty on the sofa, chants deeply) Dona nobis pacem.

BLOOM

Don't smoke. You ought to eat. Cursed dog I met. (to Zoe) You have
nothing?

ZOE

Is he hungry?

STEPHEN

(extends his hand to her smiling and chants to the air of the bloodoath in
The Dusk of the Gods)

ZOE

(tragically) Hamlet, I am thy father's gimlet! (she takes his hand) Blue
eyes beauty I'll read your hand. (she points to his forehead) No wit, no
wrinkles. (she counts) Two, three, Mars, that's courage. (Stephen shakes
his head
) No kid.

LYNCH

Sheet lightning courage. The youth who could not shiver and shake. (to
Zoe
) Who taught you palmistry?

ZOE

(turns) Ask my ballocks that I haven't got. (to Stephen) I see it in your
face. The eye, like that. (she frowns with lowered head)


LYNCH

(laughing, slaps Kitty behind twice) Like that. Pandybat.

FATHER DOLAN

Any boy want flogging? Broke his glasses? Lazy idle little schemer. See it in
your eye.

DON JOHN CONMEE

Now, Father Dolan! Now. I'm sure that Stephen is a very good little boy!

ZOE

(examining Stephen's palm) Woman's hand.

STEPHEN

(murmurs) Continue. Lie. Hold me. Caress. I never could read His
handwriting except His criminal thumbprint on the haddock.

ZOE

What day were you born?

STEPHEN

Thursday. Today.

ZOE

Thursday's child has far to go. (she traces lines on his hand) Line of fate.
Influential friends.

FLORRY

(pointing) Imagination.

ZOE

Mount of the moon. You'll meet with a .... (she peers at his hands abruptly)
I won't tell you what's not good for you. Or do you want to know?


BLOOM

(detaches her fingers and offers his palm) More harm than good. Here.
Read mine.

BELLA

Show. (she turns up Bloom's hand) I thought so. Knobby knuckles for the
women.

ZOE

(peering at Bloom's palm) Gridiron. Travels beyond the sea and marry
money.

BLOOM

Wrong.

ZOE

(quickly) O, I see. Short little finger. Henpecked husband. That wrong?

BLACK LIZ

Gara. Klook. Klook. Klook. (she sidles from her newlaid egg and waddles
off)

BLOOM

(points to his hand) That weal there is an accident. Fell and cut it
twentytwo years ago. I was sixteen.

ZOE

I see, says the blind man. Tell us news.

STEPHEN

See? Moves to one great goal. I am twentytwo. Sixteen years ago he was
twentytwo too. Sixteen years ago I twentytwo tumbled. Twentytwo years
ago he sixteen fell off his hobbyhorse. (he winces) Hurt my hand
somewhere. Must see a dentist. Money?


FLORRY

What?

THE BOOTS

(jogging, mocks them with thumb and wriggling wormfingers) Haw haw
have you the horn?

ZOE

(to Florry) Whisper. (she whispers again)

LENEHAN

Ho! What do I here behold? Were you brushing the cobwebs off a few
quims?

BOYLAN

(sated, smiles) Plucking a turkey.

LENEHAN

A good night's work.

BOYLAN

(holding up four thick bluntungulated fingers, winks) Blazes Kate! Up to
sample or your money back. (he holds out a forefinger) Smell that.

LENEHAN

(smells gleefully) Ah! Lobster and mayonnaise. Ah!

ZOE AND FLORRY

(laugh together) Ha ha ha ha.


BOYLAN

(jumps surely from the car and calls loudly for all to hear) Hello, Bloom!
Mrs Bloom dressed yet?

BLOOM

(in flunkey's prune plush coat and kneebreeches, buff stockings and
powdered wig
) I'm afraid not, sir. The last articles .....

BOYLAN

(tosses him sixpence) Here, to buy yourself a gin and splash. (he hangs his
hat smartly on a peg of Bloom 's antlered head
) Show me in. I have a little
private business with your wife, you understand?

BLOOM

Thank you, sir. Yes, sir. Madam Tweedy is in her bath, sir.

MARION

He ought to feel himself highly honoured. (she plops splashing out of the
water
) Raoul darling, come and dry me. I'm in my pelt. Only my new hat
and a carriage sponge.

BOYLAN

(a merry twinkle in his eye) Topping!

BELLA

What? What is it?

Let him look, the pishogue! Pimp! And scourge himself! I'll write to a
powerful prostitute or Bartholomona, the bearded woman, to raise weals
out on him an inch thick and make him bring me back a signed and
stamped receipt.

BOYLAN

(clasps himself) Here, I can't hold this little lot much longer. (he strides off
on stiff cavalry legs)

BELLA

(laughing) Ho ho ho ho.


BOYLAN

(to Bloom, over his shoulder) You can apply your eye to the keyhole and
play with yourself while I just go through her a few times.

BLOOM

Thank you, sir. I will, sir. May I bring two men chums to witness the deed
and take a snapshot? (he holds out an ointment jar) Vaseline, sir?
Orangeflower...? Lukewarm water...?

KITTY

(from the sofa) Tell us, Florry. Tell us. What ...



MINA KENNEDY

(her eyes upturned) O, it must be like the scent of geraniums and lovely
peaches! O, he simply idolises every bit of her! Stuck together! Covered
with kisses!

LYDIA DOUCE

(her mouth opening) Yumyum. O, he's carrying her round the room doing
it! Ride a cockhorse. You could hear them in Paris and New York. Like
mouthfuls of strawberries and cream.

KITTY

(laughing) Hee hee hee.

BOYLAN'S VOICE

(sweetly, hoarsely, in the pit of his stomach) Ah! Godblazegruk-
brukarchkhrasht!

MARION'S VOICE

(hoarsely, sweetly, rising to her throat) O! Weeshwashtkissinapoo-
isthnapoohuck?

BLOOM

(his eyes wildly dilated, clasps himself) Show! Hide! Show! Plough her!
More! Shoot!  


BELLA, ZOE, FLORRY, KITTY

Ho ho! Ha ha! Hee hee!

LYNCH

(points) The mirror up to nature. (he laughs) Hu hu hu hu hu!

SHAKESPEARE

(in dignified ventriloquy) 'Tis the loud laugh bespeaks the vacant mind. (to
Bloom
) Thou thoughtest as how thou wastest invisible. Gaze. (he crows
with a black capon 's laugh
) Iagogo! How my Oldfellow chokit his
Thursdaymornun. Iagogogo!

BLOOM

(smiles yellowly at the three whores) When will I hear the joke?

ZOE

Before you're twice married and once a widower.

BLOOM

Lapses are condoned. Even the great Napoleon when measurements were
taken next the skin after his death ...



FREDDY

Ah, ma, you're dragging me along!


SUSY

Mamma, the beeftea is fizzing over!

SHAKESPEARE

(with paralytic rage) Weda seca whokilla farst.

MRS CUNNINGHAM

(sings)

And they call me the jewel of Asia!

MARTIN CUNNINGHAM

(gazes on her, impassive) Immense! Most bloody awful demirep!

STEPHEN

Et exaltabuntur cornua iusti. Queens lay with prize bulls. Remember
Pasiphae for whose lust my grandoldgrossfather made the first
confessionbox. Forget not Madam Grissel Steevens nor the suine scions of
the house of Lambert. And Noah was drunk with wine. And his ark was
open.

BELLA

None of that here. Come to the wrong shop.

LYNCH

Let him alone. He's back from Paris.

ZOE

(runs to Stephen and links him) O go on! Give us some parleyvoo.

LYNCH

(pommelling on the sofa) Rmm Rmm Rmm Rrrrrrmmmm.



STEPHEN

(gabbles with marionette jerks) Thousand places of entertainment to
expense your evenings with lovely ladies saling gloves and other things
perhaps hers heart beerchops perfect fashionable house very eccentric
where lots cocottes beautiful dressed much about princesses like are
dancing cancan and walking there parisian clowneries extra foolish for
bachelors foreigns the same if talking a poor english how much smart they
are on things love and sensations voluptuous. Misters very selects for is
pleasure must to visit heaven and hell show with mortuary candles and they
tears silver which occur every night. Perfectly shocking terrific of religion's
things mockery seen in universal world. All chic womans which arrive full
of modesty then disrobe and squeal loud to see vampire man debauch nun
very fresh young with dessous troublants. (he clacks his tongue loudly) Ho,
la la! Ce pif qu'il a!

LYNCH

Vive le vampire!

THE WHORES

Bravo! Parleyvoo!

STEPHEN

(with head back, laughs loudly, clapping himself grimacing) Great success
of laughing. Angels much prostitutes like and holy apostles big damn
ruffians. Demimondaines nicely handsome sparkling of diamonds very
amiable costumed. Or do you are fond better what belongs they moderns
pleasure turpitude of old mans? (he points about him with grotesque
gestures which Lynch and the whores reply to) Caoutchouc statue woman
reversible or lifesize tompeeptom of virgins nudities very lesbic the kiss five
ten times. Enter, gentleman, to see in mirror every positions trapezes all that
machine there besides also if desire act awfully bestial butcher's boy
pollutes in warm veal liver or omlet on the belly piece de Shakespeare.

BELLA

(clapping her belly sinks back on the sofa, with a shout of laughter) An
omelette on the.... Ho! ho! ho! ho!... omelette on the....

STEPHEN

(mincingly) I love you, sir darling. Speak you englishman tongue for
double entente cordiale. O yes, mon loup. How much cost? Waterloo.
Watercloset. (he ceases suddenly and holds up a forefinger)


BELLA

(laughing) Omelette....

THE WHORES

(laughing) Encore! Encore!

STEPHEN

Mark me. I dreamt of a watermelon.

ZOE

Go abroad and love a foreign lady.

LYNCH

Across the world for a wife.

FLORRY

Dreams goes by contraries.

STEPHEN

(extends his arms) It was here. Street of harlots. In Serpentine avenue
Beelzebub showed me her, a fubsy widow. Where's the red carpet spread?

BLOOM

(approaching Stephen) Look ....

STEPHEN

No, I flew. My foes beneath me. And ever shall be. World without end. (he
cries) Pater
! Free!

BLOOM

I say, look...

STEPHEN

Break my spirit, will he? O merde alors! (he cries, his vulture talons
sharpened) Holà!
Hillyho!

SIMON

That's all right. (he swoops uncertainly through the air, wheeling, uttering
cries of heartening, on strong ponderous buzzard wings
) Ho, boy! Are
you going to win? Hoop! Pschatt! Stable with those halfcastes. Wouldn't let



them within the bawl of an ass. Head up! Keep our flag flying! An eagle
gules volant in a field argent displayed. Ulster king at arms! Haihoop! (he
makes the beagle's call, giving tongue
) Bulbul! Burblblburblbl! Hai, boy!



THE CROWD



THE ORANGE LODGES

(jeering) Get down and push, mister. Last lap! You'll be home the night!



GARRETT DEASY

(bolt upright, his nailscraped face plastered with postagestamps, brandishes
his hockeystick, his blue eyes flashing in the prism of the chandelier as his
mount lopes by at schooling gallop) Per vias rectas!

THE GREEN LODGES

Soft day, sir John! Soft day, your honour!

STEPHEN

Hark! Our friend noise in the street.

ZOE

(holds up her hand) Stop!

PRIVATE CARR, PRIVATE COMPTON AND CISSY CAFFREY

ZOE

That's me. (she claps her hands) Dance! Dance! (she runs to the pianola)
Who has twopence?

BLOOM

Who'll ...?

LYNCH

(handing her coins) Here.

STEPHEN

(cracking his fingers impatiently) Quick! Quick! Where's my augur's rod?
(he runs to the piano and takes his ashplant, beating his foot in tripudium)

ZOE

(turns the drumhandle) There.


ZOE

(twirls round herself, heeltapping) Dance. Anybody here for there?
Who'll dance? Clear the table.



MAGINNI

The poetry of motion, art of calisthenics. No connection with Madam
Legget Byrne's or Levenston's. Fancy dress balls arranged. Deportment.
The Katty Lanner step. So. Watch me! My terpsichorean abilities. (he
minuets forward three paces on tripping bee's feet) Tout le monde en
avant! Reverence! Tout le monde en place!



THE PIANOLA

Two young fellows were talking about their girls, girls, girls,
Sweethearts they'd left behind ......


MAGINNI

(clipclaps glovesilent hands) Carré! Avant deux! Breathe evenly! Balance!

HOURS

You may touch my.

CAVALIERS

May I touch your?

HOURS

O, but lightly!

CAVALIERS

O, so lightly!

THE PIANOLA

My little shy little lass has a waist.

(Zoe and Stephen turn boldly with looser swing. The twilight hours
advance from long landshadows, dispersed, lagging, languideyed,
their cheeks delicate with cipria and false faint bloom. They are in
grey gauze with dark bat sleeves that flutter in the landbreeze.)



MAGINNI

Avant huit! Traversé! Salut! Cours de mains! Croisé!

(The night hours, one by one, steal to the last place. Morning, noon
and twilight hours retreat before them. They are masked, with
daggered hair and bracelets of dull bells. Weary they curchycurchy
under veils.)



THE BRACELETS

Heigho! Heigho!


ZOE

(twirling, her hand to her brow) O!

MAGINNI

Les tiroirs! Chaîne de dames! La corbeille! Dos a dos!

ZOE

I'm giddy!

MAGINNI



Boulangère! Les ronds! Les ponts! Chevaux de bois! Escargots!

MAGINNI



Dansez avec vos dames! Changez de dames! Donnez le petit bouquet a votre
dame! Remerciez!

THE PIANOLA

Best, best of all,
Baraabum!

KITTY

(jumps up) O, they played that on the hobbyhorses at the Mirus bazaar!

THE PIANOLA

My girl's a Yorkshire girl.


ZOE

Yorkshire through and through. Come on all!

STEPHEN

Pas seul!



THE PIANOLA

Though she's a factory lass
And wears no fancy clothes.


TUTTI

Encore! Bis! Bravo! Encore!

SIMON

Think of your mother's people!

STEPHEN

Dance of death.

 


STEPHEN

Ho!

THE CHOIR

Liliata rutilantium te confessorum
Iubilantium te virginum

BUCK MULLIGAN

She's beastly dead. The pity of it! Mulligan meets the afflicted mother. (he
upturns his eyes
) Mercurial Malachi!

THE MOTHER

(with the subtle smile of death's madness) I was once the beautiful May
Goulding. I am dead.

STEPHEN

(horrorstruck) Lemur, who are you? No. What bogeyman's trick is this?

BUCK MULLIGAN

(shakes his curling capbell) The mockery of it! Kinch dogsbody killed her
bitchbody. She kicked the bucket. (tears of molten butter fall from his eyes
on to the scone
) Our great sweet mother! Epi oinopa ponton

THE MOTHER

(comes nearer, breathing upon him softly her breath of wetted ashes) All
must go through it, Stephen. More women than men in the world. You too.
Time will come.


STEPHEN

(choking with fright, remorse and horror) They say I killed you, mother.
He offended your memory. Cancer did it, not I. Destiny.

THE MOTHER

(a green rill of bile trickling from a side of her mouth) You sang that song
to me. Love's bitter mystery.

STEPHEN

(eagerly) Tell me the word, mother, if you know now. The word known to
all men.

THE MOTHER

Who saved you the night you jumped into the train at Dalkey with Paddy
Lee? Who had pity for you when you were sad among the strangers?
Prayer is allpowerful. Prayer for the suffering souls in the Ursuline manual
and forty days' indulgence. Repent, Stephen.

STEPHEN

The ghoul! Hyena!

THE MOTHER

I pray for you in my other world. Get Dilly to make you that boiled rice
every night after your brainwork. Years and years I loved you, O, my son,
my firstborn, when you lay in my womb.

ZOE

(fanning herself with the gratefan) I'm melting!

FLORRY

(points to Stephen) Look! He's white.

BLOOM

(goes to the window to open it more) Giddy.

THE MOTHER

(with smouldering eyes) Repent! O, the fire of hell!

STEPHEN

(panting) His noncorrosive sublimate! The corpsechewer! Raw head and
bloody bones.


THE MOTHER

(her face drawing near and nearer, sending out an ashen breath) Beware!
(she raises her blackened withered right arm slowly towards Stephen's
breast with outstretched finger
) Beware God's hand!

STEPHEN

(strangled with rage, his features drawn grey and old) Shite!

BLOOM

(at the window) What?

STEPHEN

Ah non, par exemple! The intellectual imagination! With me all or not at
all. Non serviam!

FLORRY

Give him some cold water. Wait. (she rushes out)

THE MOTHER

(wrings her hands slowly, moaning desperately) O Sacred Heart of Jesus,
have mercy on him! Save him from hell, O Divine Sacred Heart!

STEPHEN

No! No! No! Break my spirit, all of you, if you can! I'll bring you all to
heel!

THE MOTHER

(in the agony of her deathrattle) Have mercy on Stephen, Lord, for my
sake! Inexpressible was my anguish when expiring with love, grief and
agony on Mount Calvary.

STEPHEN

Nothung!


THE GASJET

Pwfungg!

BLOOM

Stop!

LYNCH

(rushes forward and seizes Stephen's hand) Here! Hold on! Don't run
amok!

BELLA

Police!

BELLA

(screams) After him!

THE WHORES

(jammed in the doorway, pointing) Down there.

ZOE

(pointing) There. There's something up.

BELLA

Who pays for the lamp? (she seizes Bloom's coattail) Here, you were with
him. The lamp's broken.

BLOOM

(rushes to the hall, rushes back) What lamp, woman?

A WHORE

He tore his coat.

BELLA

(her eyes hard with anger and cupidity, points) Who's to pay for that? Ten
shillings. You're a witness.


BLOOM

(snatches up Stephen's ashplant) Me? Ten shillings? Haven't you lifted
enough off him? Didn't he ....?

BELLA

(loudly) Here, none of your tall talk. This isn't a brothel. A tenshilling
house.

BLOOM

(His head under the lamp, pulls the chain. Puling, the gasjet lights up a
crushed mauve purple shade. He raises the ashplant.
) Only the chimney's
broken. Here is all he ....

BELLA

(shrinks back and screams) Jesus! Don't!

BLOOM

(warding off a blow) To show you how he hit the paper. There's not
sixpenceworth of damage done. Ten shillings!

FLORRY

(with a glass of water, enters) Where is he?

BELLA

Do you want me to call the police?

BLOOM

O, I know. Bulldog on the premises. But he's a Trinity student. Patrons of
your establishment. Gentlemen that pay the rent. (he makes a masonic
sign
) Know what I mean? Nephew of the vicechancellor. You don't want a
scandal.

BELLA

(angrily) Trinity. Coming down here ragging after the boatraces and
paying nothing. Are you my commander here or? Where is he? I'll charge
him! Disgrace him, I will! (she shouts) Zoe! Zoe!

BLOOM

(urgently) And if it were your own son in Oxford? (warningly) I know.


BELLA

(almost speechless) Who are. Incog!

ZOE

(in the doorway) There's a row on.

BLOOM

What? Where? (he throws a shilling on the table and starts) That's for the
chimney. Where? I need mountain air.


THE HUE AND CRY

(helterskelterpelterwelter) He's Bloom! Stop Bloom! Stopabloom!
Stopperrobber! Hi! Hi! Stophim on the corner!

STEPHEN

(with elaborate gestures, breathing deeply and slowly) You are my guests.
Uninvited. By virtue of the fifth of George and seventh of Edward. History
to blame. Fabled by mothers of memory.

PRIVATE CARR

(to Cissy Caffrey) Was he insulting you?

STEPHEN

Addressed her in vocative feminine. Probably neuter. Ungenitive.

VOICES

No, he didn't. I seen him. The girl there. He was in Mrs Cohen's. What's
up? Soldier and civilian.

CISSY CAFFREY

I was in company with the soldiers and they left me to do, you know, and
the young man run up behind me. But I'm faithful to the man that's treating
me though I'm only a shilling whore.


VOICES

Shesfaithfultheman.

STEPHEN

(catches sight of Lynch's and Kitty's heads) Hail, Sisyphus. (he points to
himself and the others
) Poetic. Uropoetic.

CISSY CAFFREY

Yes, to go with him. And me with a soldier friend.

PRIVATE COMPTON

He doesn't half want a thick ear, the blighter. Biff him one, Harry.

PRIVATE CARR

(to Cissy) Was he insulting you while me and him was having a piss?

LORD TENNYSON

(gentleman poet in Union Jack blazer and cricket flannels, bareheaded,
flowingbearded
) Theirs not to reason why.

PRIVATE COMPTON

Biff him, Harry.

STEPHEN

(to Private Compton) I don't know your name but you are quite right.
Doctor Swift says one man in armour will beat ten men in their shirts. Shirt
is synechdoche. Part for the whole.

CISSY CAFFREY

(to the crowd) No, I was with the privates.

STEPHEN

(amiably) Why not? The bold soldier boy. In my opinion every lady for
example .....

PRIVATE CARR

(his cap awry, advances to Stephen) Say, how would it be, governor, if I
was to bash in your jaw?

STEPHEN

(looks up to the sky) How? Very unpleasant. Noble art of selfpretence.
Personally, I detest action. (he waves his hand) Hand hurts me slightly.
Enfin ce sont vos oignons. (to Cissy Caffrey) Some trouble is on here.
What is it precisely?


DOLLY GRAY

(from her balcony waves her handkerchief, giving the sign of the heroine of
Jericho
) Rahab. Cook's son, goodbye. Safe home to Dolly. Dream of the
girl you left behind and she will dream of you.

BLOOM

(elbowing through the crowd, plucks Stephen's sleeve vigorously) Come
now, professor, that carman is waiting.

STEPHEN

(turns) Eh? (he disengages himself) Why should I not speak to him or to
any human being who walks upright upon this oblate orange? (he points
his finger
) I'm not afraid of what I can talk to if I see his eye. Retaining the
perpendicular. (he staggers a pace back)

BLOOM

(propping him) Retain your own.

STEPHEN

(laughs emptily) My centre of gravity is displaced. I have forgotten the
trick. Let us sit down somewhere and discuss. Struggle for life is the law of
existence but but human philirenists, notably the tsar and the king of
England, have invented arbitration. (he taps his brow) But in here it is I
must kill the priest and the king.

BIDDY THE CLAP

Did you hear what the professor said? He's a professor out of the college.

CUNTY KATE

I did. I heard that.

BIDDY THE CLAP

He expresses himself with such marked refinement of phraseology.

CUNTY KATE

Indeed, yes. And at the same time with such apposite trenchancy.

PRIVATE CARR

(pulls himself free and comes forward) What's that you're saying about
my king?


EDWARD THE SEVENTH

(slowly, solemnly but indistinctly) Peace, perfect peace. For identification,
bucket in my hand. Cheerio, boys. (he turns to his subjects) We have come
here to witness a clean straight fight and we heartily wish both men the best
of good luck. Mahak makar a bak. (he shakes hands with Private Carr,
Private Compton, Stephen, Bloom and Lynch)

PRIVATE CARR

(to Stephen) Say it again.

STEPHEN

(nervous, friendly, pulls himself up) I understand your point of view
though I have no king myself for the moment. This is the age of patent
medicines. A discussion is difficult down here. But this is the point. You die
for your country. Suppose. (he places his arm on Private Carr's sleeve)
Not that I wish it for you. But I say: Let my country die for me. Up to the
present it has done so. I didn't want it to die. Damn death. Long live life!

EDWARD THE SEVENTH

(levitates over heaps of slain, in the garb and with the halo of Joking Jesus,
a white jujube in his phosphorescent face)

STEPHEN

Kings and unicorns! (he fills back a pace) Come somewhere and we'll...
What was that girl saying ...?


PRIVATE COMPTON

Eh, Harry, give him a kick in the knackers. Stick one into Jerry.

BLOOM

(to the privates, softly) He doesn't know what he's saying. Taken a little
more than is good for him. Absinthe. Greeneyed monster. I know him.
He's a gentleman, a poet. It's all right.

STEPHEN

(nods, smiling and laughing) Gentleman, patriot, scholar and judge of
impostors.

PRIVATE CARR

I don't give a bugger who he is.

PRIVATE COMPTON

We don't give a bugger who he is.

STEPHEN

I seem to annoy them. Green rag to a bull.

KEVIN EGAN


H'lo! Bonjour! The vieille ogresse with the dents jaunes.

PATRICE

Socialiste!

DON EMILE PATRIZ1O FRANZ RUPERT POPE HENNESSY

(in medieval hauberk, two wild geese volant on his helm, with noble
indignation points a mailed hand against the privates
) Werf those eykes to
footboden, big grand porcos of johnyellows todos covered of gravy!

BLOOM

(to Stephen) Come home. You'll get into trouble.


STEPHEN

(swaying) I don't avoid it. He provokes my intelligence.

BIDDY THE CLAP

One immediately observes that he is of patrician lineage.

THE VIRAGO

Green above the red, says he. Wolfe Tone.

THE BAWD

The red's as good as the green. And better. Up the soldiers! Up King
Edward!

A ROUGH

(laughs) Ay! Hands up to De Wet.

THE CITIZEN

(with a huge emerald muffler and shillelagh, calls)

THE CROPPY BOY

(the ropenoose round his neck, gripes in his issuing bowels with both
hands)

RUMBOLD, DEMON BARBER

(accompanied by two blackmasked assistants, advances with gladstone bag
which he opens
) Ladies and gents, cleaver purchased by Mrs Pearcy to slay
Mogg. Knife with which Voisin dismembered the wife of a compatriot and
hid remains in a sheet in the cellar, the unfortunate female's throat being
cut from ear to ear. Phial containing arsenic retrieved from body of Miss
Barron which sent Seddon to the gallows.


THE CROPPY BOY

Horhot ho hray hor hother's hest.

RUMBOLD

I'm near it myself. (he undoes the noose) Rope which hanged the awful
rebel. Ten shillings a time. As applied to Her Royal Highness. (he plunges
his head into the gaping belly of the hanged and draws out his head again
clotted with coiled and smoking entrails
) My painful duty has now been
done. God save the king!

EDWARD THE SEVENTH

(dances slowly, solemnly, rattling his bucket, and sings with soft
contentment)

PRIVATE CARR

Here. What are you saying about my king?

STEPHEN

(throws up his hands) O, this is too monotonous! Nothing. He wants my
money and my life, though want must be his master, for some brutish
empire of his. Money I haven't. (he searches his pockets vaguely) Gave it
to someone.

PRIVATE CARR

Who wants your bleeding money?

STEPHEN

(tries to move off) Will someone tell me where I am least likely to meet
these necessary evils? Ca se voit aussi a Paris. Not that I ... But, by saint
Patrick ....!


STEPHEN

Aha! I know you, gammer! Hamlet, revenge! The old sow that eats her
farrow!

OLD GUMMY GRANNY

(rocking to and fro) Ireland's sweetheart, the king of Spain's daughter,
alanna. Strangers in my house, bad manners to them! (she keens with
banshee woe
) Ochone! Ochone! Silk of the kine! (she wails) You met with
poor old Ireland and how does she stand?

STEPHEN

How do I stand you? The hat trick! Where's the third person of the Blessed
Trinity? Soggarth Aroon? The reverend Carrion Crow.

CISSY CAFFREY

(shrill) Stop them from fighting!

A ROUGH

Our men retreated.

PRIVATE CARR

(tugging at his belt) I'll wring the neck of any fucker says a word against
my fucking king.

BLOOM

(terrified) He said nothing. Not a word. A pure misunderstanding.

PRIVATE COMPTON

Go it, Harry. Do him one in the eye. He's a proBoer.

STEPHEN

Did I? When?

BLOOM

(to the redcoats) We fought for you in South Africa, Irish missile troops.
Isn't that history? Royal Dublin Fusiliers. Honoured by our monarch.

THE NAVVY

(staggering past) O, yes! O God, yes! O, make the kwawr a krowawr! O!
Bo!


MAJOR TWEEDY

(growls gruffly) Rorke's Drift! Up, guards, and at them! Mahar shalal
hashbaz.

THE CITIZEN

Erin go bragh!

(Major Tweedy and the Citizen exhibit to each other medals,
decorations, trophies of war, wounds. Both salute with fierce
hostility.)

PRIVATE CARR

I'll do him in.

PRIVATE COMPTON

(moves the crowd back) Fair play, here. Make a bleeding butcher's shop of
the bugger.

CISSY CAFFREY

They're going to fight. For me!

CUNTY KATE

The brave and the fair.

BIDDY THE CLAP

Methinks yon sable knight will joust it with the best.

CUNTY KATE

(blushing deeply) Nay, madam. The gules doublet and merry saint George
for me!

STEPHEN

 


PRIVATE CARR

(loosening his belt, shouts) I'll wring the neck of any fucking bastard says
a word against my bleeding fucking king.

BLOOM

(shakes Cissy Caffrey's shoulders) Speak, you! Are you struck dumb? You
are the link between nations and generations. Speak, woman, sacred
lifegiver!

CISSY CAFFREY

(alarmed, seizes Private Carr's sleeve) Amn't I with you? Amn't I your
girl? Cissy's your girl. (she cries) Police!

STEPHEN

(ecstatically, to Cissy Caffrey)

White thy fambles, red thy gan
And thy quarrons dainty is.

VOICES

Police!

DISTANT VOICES

Dublin's burning! Dublin's burning! On fire, on fire!


FATHER MALACHI O'FLYNN

Introibo ad altare diaboli.

THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE

To the devil which hath made glad my young days.

FATHER MALACHI O'FLYNN

(takes from the chalice and elevates a blooddripping host) Corpus meum.

THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE

(raises high behind the celebrant's petticoat, revealing his grey bare hairy
buttocks between which a carrot is stuck)
My body.

THE VOICE OF ALL THE DAMNED

Htengier Tnetopinmo Dog Drol eht rof, Aiulella!

(From on high the voice of Adonai calls.)

ADONAI

Dooooooooooog!

THE VOICE OF ALL THE BLESSED

Alleluia, for the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth!

(From on high the voice of Adonai calls.)


ADONAI

Goooooooooood!

(In strident discord peasants and townsmen of Orange and Green
factions sing Kick the Pope and Daily, daily sing to Mary.)

PRIVATE CARR

(with ferocious articulation) I'll do him in, so help me fucking Christ! I'll
wring the bastard fucker's bleeding blasted fucking windpipe!

(The retriever, nosing on the fringe of the crowd, barks noisily.)

BLOOM

(runs to Lynch) Can't you get him away?

LYNCH

He likes dialectic, the universal language. Kitty! (to Bloom) Get him away,
you. He won't listen to me.

(He drags Kitty away.)

STEPHEN

(points) Exit Judas. Et laqueo se suspendit.

BLOOM

(runs to Stephen) Come along with me now before worse happens. Here's
your stick.

STEPHEN

Stick, no. Reason. This feast of pure reason.

OLD GUMMY GRANNY

(thrusts a dagger towards Stephen's hand) Remove him, acushla. At
8.35 a.m. you will be in heaven and Ireland will be free. (she prays) O
good God, take him!

CISSY CAFFREY

(pulling Private Carr) Come on, you're boosed. He insulted me but I
forgive him. (shouting in his ear) I forgive him for insulting me.

BLOOM

(over Stephen's shoulder) Yes, go. You see he's incapable.


PRIVATE CARR

(breaks loose) I'll insult him.



MAJOR TWEEDY

(loudly) Carbine in bucket! Cease fire! Salute!

THE RETRIEVER

(barking furiously) Ute ute ute ute ute ute ute ute.

THE CROWD

Let him up! Don't strike him when he's down! Air! Who? The soldier hit
him. He's a professor. Is he hurted? Don't manhandle him! He's fainted!

A HAG

What call had the redcoat to strike the gentleman and he under the
influence. Let them go and fight the Boers!

THE BAWD

Listen to who's talking! Hasn't the soldier a right to go with his girl? He
gave him the coward's blow.

(They grab at each other's hair, claw at each other and spit)

THE RETRIEVER

(barking) Wow wow wow.

BLOOM

(shoves them back, loudly) Get back, stand back!

PRIVATE COMPTON

(tugging his comrade) Here. Bugger off, Harry. Here's the cops!

FIRST WATCH

What's wrong here?


PRIVATE COMPTON

We were with this lady. And he insulted us. And assaulted my chum. (the
retriever barks
) Who owns the bleeding tyke?

CISSY CAFFREY

(with expectation) Is he bleeding!

A MAN

(rising from his knees) No. Gone off. He'll come to all right.

BLOOM

(glances sharply at the man) Leave him to me. I can easily .....

SECOND WATCH

Who are you? Do you know him?

PRIVATE CARR

(lurches towards the watch) He insulted my lady friend.

BLOOM

(angrily) You hit him without provocation. I'm a witness. Constable, take
his regimental number.

SECOND WATCH

I don't want your instructions in the discharge of my duty.

PRIVATE COMPTON

(pulling his comrade) Here, bugger off Harry. Or Bennett'll shove you in
the lockup.

PRIVATE CARR

(staggering as he is pulled away) God fuck old Bennett. He's a whitearsed
bugger. I don't give a shit for him.

FIRST WATCH

(takes out his notebook) What's his name?

BLOOM

(peering over the crowd) I just see a car there. If you give me a hand a
second, sergeant....


FIRST WATCH

Name and address.

BLOOM

(quickly) O, the very man! (he whispers) Simon Dedalus' son. A bit
sprung. Get those policemen to move those loafers back.

SECOND WATCH

Night, Mr Kelleher.

CORNY KELLEHER

(to the watch, with drawling eye) That's all right. I know him. Won a bit
on the races. Gold cup. Throwaway. (he laughs) Twenty to one. Do you
follow me?

FIRST WATCH

(turns to the crowd) Here, what are you all gaping at? Move on out of
that.

(The crowd disperses slowly, muttering, down the lane.)

CORNY KELLEHER

Leave it to me, sergeant. That'll be all right. (he laughs, shaking his head)
We were often as bad ourselves, ay or worse. What? Eh, what?

FIRST WATCH

(laughs) I suppose so.

CORNY KELLEHER

(nudges the second watch) Come and wipe your name off the slate. (he
lilts, wagging his head
) With my tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom
tooraloom. What, eh, do you follow me?

SECOND WATCH

(genially) Ah, sure we were too.

CORNY KELLEHER

(winking) Boys will be boys. I've a car round there.

SECOND WATCH

All right, Mr Kelleher. Good night.


CORNY KELLEHER

I'll see to that.

BLOOM

(shakes hands with both of the watch in turn) Thank you very much,
gentlemen. Thank you. (he mumbles confidentially) We don't want any
scandal, you understand. Father is a wellknown highly respected citizen.
Just a little wild oats, you understand.

FIRST WATCH

O. I understand, sir.

SECOND WATCH

That's all right, sir.

FIRST WATCH

It was only in case of corporal injuries I'd have to report it at the station.

BLOOM

(nods rapidly) Naturally. Quite right. Only your bounden duty.

SECOND WATCH

It's our duty.

CORNY KELLEHER

Good night, men.

THE WATCH

(saluting together) Night, gentlemen.

BLOOM

(blows) Providential you came on the scene. You have a car...?

CORNY KELLEHER

(laughs, pointing his thumb over his right shoulder to the car brought up
against the scaffolding
) Two commercials that were standing fizz in
Jammet's. Like princes, faith. One of them lost two quid on the race.
Drowning his grief. And were on for a go with the jolly girls. So I landed
them up on Behan's car and down to nighttown.

BLOOM

I was just going home by Gardiner street when I happened to ...


CORNY KELLEHER

(laughs) Sure they wanted me to join in with the mots. No, by God, says I.
Not for old stagers like myself and yourself. (he laughs again and leers
with lacklustre eye
) Thanks be to God we have it in the house, what, eh, do
you follow me? Hah, hah, hah!

BLOOM

(tries to laugh) He, he, he! Yes. Matter of fact I was just visiting an old
friend of mine there, Virag, you don't know him (poor fellow, he's laid up
for the past week
) and we had a liquor together and I was just making my
way home ......

THE HORSE

Hohohohohohoh! Hohohohome!

CORNY KELLEHER

Sure it was Behan our jarvey there that told me after we left the two
commercials in Mrs Cohen's and I told him to pull up and got off to see.
(he laughs) Sober hearsedrivers a speciality. Will I give him a lift home?
Where does he hang out? Somewhere in Cabra, what?

BLOOM

No, in Sandycove, I believe, from what he let drop.

CORNY KELLEHER

(scratches his nape) Sandycove! (he bends down and calls to Stephen)
Eh! (he calls again) Eh! He's covered with shavings anyhow. Take care
they didn't lift anything off him.

BLOOM

No, no, no. I have his money and his hat here and stick.

CORNY KELLEHER

Ah, well, he'll get over it. No bones broken. Well, I'll shove along. (he
laughs
) I've a rendezvous in the morning. Burying the dead. Safe home!

THE HORSE

(neighs) Hohohohohome.

 


BLOOM

Good night. I'll just wait and take him along in a few ...

(Corny Kelleher returns to the outside car and mounts it. The
horseharness jingles.)

CORNY KELLEHER

(from the car, standing) Night.

BLOOM

Night.

BLOOM

Eh! Ho! (There is no answer. He bends again.) Mr Dedalus! (there is no
answer
) The name if you call. Somnambulist. (he bends again and
hesitating, brings his mouth near the face of the prostrate form
) Stephen!
(There is no answer. He calls again.) Stephen!

STEPHEN

(frowns) Who? Black panther. Vampire. (he sighs and stretches himself,
then murmurs thickly with prolonged vowels)


BLOOM

Poetry. Well educated. Pity. (he bends again and undoes the buttons of
Stephen's waistcoat
) To breathe. (he brushes the woodshavings from
Stephen's clothes with light hand and fingers
) One pound seven. Not hurt
anyhow. (he listens) What?

STEPHEN

(murmurs)

BLOOM

(communes with the night) Face reminds me of his poor mother. In the
shady wood. The deep white breast. Ferguson, I think I caught. A girl.
Some girl. Best thing could happen him. (he murmurs) ..swear that I will
always hail, ever conceal, never reveal, any part or parts, art or arts ..(he
murmurs
) ..in the rough sands of the sea ..a cabletow's length from the
shore.... where the tide ebbs.... and flows .....

BLOOM

(wonderstruck, calls inaudibly) Rudy!

(gazes, unseeing, into Bloom's eyes and goes on reading, kissing, smiling
He has a delicate mauve face. On his suit he has diamond and ruby
buttons. In his free left hand he holds a slim ivory cane with a violet
bowknot. A white lambkin peeps out of his waistcoat pocket.)